I’m writing this blog post today because it’s June 12th, my one year anniversary. This day last year, Matt and I became boyfriend and girlfriend at the top of the Saint Augustine Lighthouse. With it being our anniversary, it has made me reflective about what it was like when I was dating around and trying to find “the one.”
Before I met Matt, I spent over a year casually dating and searching for that one person I wanted to be with. It seemed like everyone I knew was in a committed, long-term relationship, and I was their one “single friend.” And my friends loved nothing more than to give me advice about dating and tell me how I was doing it wrong. They always told me the second I stopped looking for someone, I was going to meet the love of my life. I thought that they were insane and that was the most ridiculous clique I’d ever heard.
Every time someone told me that, it irritated me to my core. Why does everyone make it seem like some magic trick where you stop looking and Voila, you’ve found your soulmate?! I didn’t want to be the single friend and I didn’t want to listen to people spewing cliques at me whenever they had the chance. So I worked even harder to find someone. I went out to bars to meet other singles, I Tindered, I had friends set me up, and I kept an eye out wherever I went thinking, “Maybe this is the day I’ll meet him.”
Because of that, I went on one horrible, cringe-worthy first date after another. Then, something would happen. I would meet someone that I was interested in and infatuated with and we would casually date for about two months. But it would always end the same way. Every single time, just as we had gotten through the get-to-know-you part of dating, they would hit me the excuses about why they didn’t want to date. I heard it all…
“I really like you, but I’m just not looking for anything serious right now.”
“I really like you, but I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend.”
“I really like you, but I travel a lot.”
“I really like you, but I just need to focus on my career right now.”
“I really like you, but you’re cool and I don’t want to ruin the friendship.”
“You’re just too good for me, you deserve better.”
“We live a half an hour away, it would be hard to make it work.”
“I just think it’s not natural for humans to be monogamous.”
“I’m just want to have fun.”
“I just want to be friends.”
Or even worse, they would completely ghost me and disappear altogether. They didn’t want to come up with a little excuse as to why they weren’t interested. Instead, they wanted to ignore me until I got the hint. So, after casually dating a long line of giant d-bags and having it end the same way, my thoughts on dating had completely changed. I thought that it was actually impossible for me to find love.
How on earth was I going to find someone who loved to travel as much as I did? Who was supportive? Who would deal with me when I’m at my worst? Who would tell me I’m pretty when I roll out of bed in the morning looking like a troll? Who would spend the day hopping around to different cafes or donut shops with me? Who would treat me the way that girls are treated in romantic comedies? Who would buy me flowers for no reason at all? I couldn’t even get a text back! There was no way on earth I was going to find “the one.”
I told myself that some people are just not meant to be in romantic relationships. Some people might just be destined to be on their own. And I’m happier being by myself with no dates lined up than I am on some quest to find that person. So, I made a sweeping declaration. I declared that I was not going to be dating anymore. I was officially done and exhausted by the torturous casual dating experience. I said that I would not be dating again until I was graduated, had a job, had a place of my own, and was at least 25. From that moment on I was going to “focus on myself.” That night I met Matt.
If that’s not cosmic irony I don’t know what is. I must have yelled at countless people for telling me “The second you stop looking you’re going to meet the love of your life.” I hated that clique with all of my being. So of course, that’s the way that I met Matt. Just hours after my sweeping declaration when I was downtown and his friend had made a comment from across the room that got us talking.
A year later it still amazes me that I found someone so perfect after I had sworn off dating. That night I met the most kind, supportive, genuine person on the planet. And all it took was for me to stop trying so hard.
The reason why I’m writing this is that now I’m watching other girls go through the same thing that I was. Who are struggling to find that perfect person, and who keeping looking for him wherever they go. And all I want to tell them is the second you stop looking, you’re going to meet the love of your life. I know you too have probably heard this from friends or family before, but it’s worth listening too. It’s one of those cliques you hear over and over again that are worth having faith in. So turn off the Tinder, pull yourself out of that bar you don’t want to be in, and stop looking. He’ll come to you.