Why Your Resolutions Haven’t Worked… Until Now + My New Year’s Resolution! I Dub 2020 “The Year of Fun”

Health & Wellness, Lifestyle, Self-Help

It’s that time of year again!

2019 flew by and now it’s 2020! And I can’t freaking wait! In my opinion, New Year’s is the most wonderful time of year, not Christmas. If you’re a self-improvement junkie like me, then you might feel the same way too.

I’m super obsessed with self-improvement and I’m a very introspective person. In a past life, I bet I was a philosopher or a therapist or something along those lines. So I live for this time of year when the whole country is in that frame of mind too! I love the reflection of the past year, the goal setting, the discussions about resolutions, the vision board creation, the crisp pages of a brand new planner. Ugh, I’m such a dork. (Oh well. We’ve already established that by now.)

Anyways, I LOVE New Year’s. And I love that this is a time where YOU are also in that frame of mind that I’m in 365 days a year! Right now, you’re thinking about your own goals and resolutions, you’re reflecting on you the past year, and you’re visualizing the person you want to become in 2020. Oh, how that makes me smile!

BUT, even though those goals and the promise of a fresh start are in the front of your mind, there’s that pesky little doubt in your mind that keeps floating around to irritate you just when you’re really starting to have a good time. Like a gnat that keeps flying around your face. You know that one I’m talking about:

“New Year’s resolutions NEVER work.”

Well, to be perfectly honest (and it pains me to say this) most of them don’t. Most resolutions are lucky to make it until February, let alone stick until the end of the year or turn into a healthy habit you keep going throughout your life! BUT that’s not the resolutions fault!!!

What I’m noticing in my conversations with people about resolutions is very sad for a personal coach and self-help writer like myself. I’m noticing that almost everyone I talk to tells me that they are NOT setting a resolution this year because “New Year’s resolutions NEVER work.”

Yes, your resolution may have fizzled out before, but that doesn’t mean we should STOP trying to better ourselves guys!!! 

Come on here!

You’re telling me that you’re not even going to try to lose that extra weight because you couldn’t last year?! You’re not going to try to read one book because you didn’t finish a book in 2019?! You’re telling me that you’re not going to ease up on drinking because you were unsuccessful before?! You’re saying that you’re not even going to attempt to give up smoking because it hasn’t worked previously?!

That automatic willingness and contentment people have with giving up on themselves makes my entire being CRINGE. 

If you only take one piece of advice from my entire blog, I want it to be this: Don’t give up on bettering yourself. EVER. And especially don’t give up on yourself because a prior resolution didn’t work for you.

It’s not that resolutions don’t work or are impossible to follow through! They didn’t work because you didn’t have the TOOLS that you needed to be successful. You walked into the New Year WITHOUT any action steps, or a plan, or accountability and you woke up on the other side of the New Year with a hangover and relied solely on limited motivation and willpower to take the next 365 days by storm.

So if this is you, every 1st of the year, deciding that “New Year’s resolutions NEVER work,” this post is going to help you get over that and understand how it IS possible to make them last. AND, if you’re someone sitting here super pumped to start your resolutions, then this post is also going to be great for you!

In this blog post, I will help you accomplish your resolutions FOR REAL. Here are the TOP 5 reasons why New Year’s resolutions fail AND 5 ways to help them STICK in 2020.

The Top 5 Problems with New Year’s Resolutions & Why They ALWAYS Fail

So now, let’s get to the good stuff. Why do resolutions always fail?! Well, I promise it’s not because they are doomed to fail and setting annual goals to improve your life is pointless. It’s because of these 5, very avoidable mistakes that WE make – the resolution doesn’t make it for us!

1. Many resolutions are WAY too big.

I have no idea how many people actually accomplish the resolutions they set out to do at the beginning of the year, but I’m pretty damn sure that it’s next to 0%. This is partially because of what I talked about in the blog post, “The Broken Window Theory & How to Create Massive Change in Your Life.”

In all of our excitement to improve ourselves and the high that we get from the possibility of a “fresh start” and becoming our fantasy selves, we try to do too much at once. When we do that, we set ourselves up for failure. We create sweeping declarations, announcements, and to-do lists of all the things we SAY we want to do, and then don’t actually do them. It’s like we psych ourselves out and eventually, we don’t get anything done. It’s actually one of the ways that I self-sabotage. I create massive lists and expectations for things that I have to do and set the bar so damn high that I’ve already made it difficult to accomplish those things before I have even started.

If you’ll remember, for 2019 I came up with over 20 New Year’s Resolutions. I’m pretty sure it was 24. How Vata of me! I got caught up in the excitement of a new year, a new job, a new city, and a new apartment! There were so many changes at the start of 2019 that I thought I would leave this year being a changed woman. That it was going to be my best year yet. And that by the end of these last 12 months, I would emerge a completely transformed person with a hefty list of tasks checked off. That didn’t happen. I bit off more than I could chew, and in the end, nothing got done.

That’s what many of us self-improvement junkies do. We list off every single life-long dream or every single aspect of our lives that we want to improve and expect ourselves to get it done by the first of the year! That’s mistake #1. So remember this as you’re writing down this year’s resolutions. (Note to self, Heather.)

2. They aren’t goals you’re ACTUALLY interested in doing.

You might be reading this bullet point thinking, “Of course I want to do these things! What do you mean I’m not interested in doing them?!”

But here’s the thing, many people (myself included) set goals for themselves that they have no real interest in doing. Why? Because there’s such a thing as your REAL SELF and your FANTASY SELF. Your real self is you. The real you and your real personality. The fantasy self is how you WISH you were. I’m not talking about the version of yourself you hope to become or your life-long goals. I’m talking about the things you wish you could alter about your personality or desires, but can’t.

For example, I’m an introvert but my fantasy self is an extrovert. I HATE cooking, but my fantasy self cooks all the time, meal preps, hosts Thanksgiving dinner, and throws parties with FABULOUS food that I made myself. My real self enjoys exercising alone at the gym but my fantasy self does CrossFit and competes in CrossFit competitions. The real me likes to go to yoga sometimes, the fantasy me is an actual yogi who can do every single ridiculous yoga pose known to man. See what I mean? I don’t actually want to do those things and those things about me are not going to change.

In past years, I have made resolutions that are representative of my fantasy self, but I have absolutely NO DESIRE to make those things happen. I love the IDEA of them, but I don’t actually want to do it. By letting your fantasy self creep into your resolutions, you can guarantee they are going to fail. 

3. Resolutions are often way too vague.

Another pattern I see over and over again, is people saying “I want to lose weight,” “I want to get in shape,” “I want to eat better,” “I want to do yoga more,” or “I want to focus on my business.” Those are great things to want for yourself, but if that’s the final copy of your New Year’s resolution…again it’s not going to work.

What does “I want to lose weight” mean? What does “I want to do more yoga” mean? By saying you want to do something MORE, I can say for certain that you’re not going to end up following through. In order to create resolutions that stick, you have you to make them specific. How much weight do you want to lose? How often do you want to practice yoga? What does “being in shape” look like to you? HOW are you going to focus on your business? What will that look like?

Otherwise, you’ll be walking into the new year without even understanding how you will accomplish your resolution and fit it into your life. You’re just banking on the fact that you’ll probably be motivated in the new year to follow through and be motivated all of the sudden.

4. Some resolutions can make you feel bad about yourself.

Another mistake that people make when they set resolutions for themselves is that they create a resolution that makes them feel terrible about themselves and remind themselves of their “flaws.”

Sometimes we unknowingly create resolutions that remind us of what we hate about ourselves RATHER than what we can realistically improve upon and creating goals that excite us. When you create a resolution like this, you are automatically going into 2020 thinking horrible thoughts about yourself and feeling crappy just for being YOU.

Here’s a perfect example: When I was in high school, “thigh gaps” were all the rage. Every magazine I read and every photo I saw with a beautiful girl in it, had a very distinct “thigh gap.” The thigh gap was SEXY, and I did not have one. I wasn’t the only one who felt bad about this though. I even watched TV specials where women were getting “lunchtime lipo” – a quick 20-minute liposuction procedure on the inner thigh to make your thighs look skinnier. So one of my New Year’s resolutions, back when I was in high school, was to shrink my thighs. If I remember correctly, I was trying to get 2 inches off of each one. It was incredibly unhealthy.

I SHOULD have focused on my health and cared about building a strong, healthy, happy body. But instead, I went into the year with a measuring tape and a horrible inner monologue about my body. I never did work out consistently, I never focused on my diet, I never established other healthy routines. All I did was think about how disgusted I was with this part of my body and how it didn’t match what the media was telling me I was supposed to look like.

People do this A LOT with weight loss resolutions. They focus on “losing 30 pounds”, “40 pounds,” “50 pounds,” rather than getting STRONGER, healthier, more flexible, and more confident. But those things are what you should be focusing on. When you say “My New Year’s resolution is to have a six-pack,” how do you think that’s going to go for you? Poorly. It’s not going to happen because you’re going to be focusing on how much you hate your body now and want it to change it. You’re starting the new year with nothing but bad intentions and gnarly self-talk that is going to be VERY hard to overcome.

Point being, there’s a fine line between a resolution that will HELP you and a resolution that will make you feel shitty about yourself.

5. We don’t have help OR a plan

The last reason why New Year’s resolutions often don’t succeed is that we don’t have help or establish a plan. Many of us say that we want to accomplish something without figuring out HOW we will get there. For example, let’s say that your resolution is to get in shape. If you don’t get a gym membership, don’t figure out healthy recipes you can make at home, don’t have an accountability partner or health coach, don’t have running shoes, and don’t know what to do to workout do you think you could do it? Nope. You’re going to stick with your same habits and routine.

I was just talking with someone who told me that her resolution was to lose weight and get in shape. To which I responded, “How do you plan on doing that?” “I don’t know,” she said. Let me tell you, “I don’t know,” is not going to keep you on track for the next 365 days. 

I see this again and again with people who create any resolution, but especially health resolutions. It’s simple, if you don’t have a PLAN to make that resolution happen, you will NOT do it. Without a plan, you’re just hoping a surge of inspiration and motivation will SLAP you across the face every morning. You’re hoping that you’ll have enough willpower to avoid the fried chicken or donuts or red wine. You’re hoping that you’ll FEEL like going to the gym. You’re hoping that you will WANT to do yoga every day. You’re hoping that you will be IN THE MOOD to mediate and read each night instead of watching Netflix. But you won’t. I promise. Without a plan, it’s all just talk.

Additionally, without help, it’s all just talk. Because even if you create a plan for yourself and figure out HOW you’re going to follow through with these things this year, you will need SUPPORT. Every single person has shitty days and needs encouragement; every single person needs someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of; every single person needs community and positive relationships. The reason why so many resolutions fail is not that resolutions are doomed. It’s because people don’t have a plan to make them happen or someone to keep them accountable and support them.

How to Set Reasonable & Accomplishable Resolutions 

So now that we’ve talked about the top 5 mistakes that people make when creating their New Year’s resolutions, let’s get you past them! I put together a list of 5 tips that you can use to help you set reasonable and accomplishable resolutions in 2020. If you take these 5 pieces of advice, you’re in a MUCH better position to make your goals a reality this year. This is how you set yourself up for success:

STEP 1: Reflect on the last year 

Now before you get excited and frantically write down your goals for the new year, it’s extremely important to reflect on the previous year. It doesn’t make sense to jump ahead to the next year without taking a moment to reflect on the last 365 days FIRST. You spent so much time and effort thinking about 2019, setting goals, visualizing the new year, it doesn’t make sense to move on right away and pretend like it didn’t happen. A LOT happened last year in your life and I think it’s super important to honor that and take AT LEAST an hour to reflect on how that year was for you. A whole year went by! There were so many accomplishments, pitfalls, travels, memories, relationships. There was so much growth, so much progress, so much heartache, so much drama, so much love, so much happiness that happened in that entire year! Take the time to sit down and really reflect on how 2019 went for you. Honor the last YEAR of your life! How was it? Did it go well? Were you happy? Did you do what you wanted to do? Were you your best self? Were you NICE to people?

And trust me, if you’re REALLY NOT wanting to reflect on the last year, it means that you REALLY DO have to reflect on the last year. Even if 2019 was kind of a nightmare, it’s important that you take the time to think about it. Don’t pretend like that year of your life didn’t exist.

Example: My Journaling Tradition

My new tradition each year is to sit down and journal about the previous year. I answer several different journal prompts that get me thinking about the year that I just had, what I learned from it, and what I want to take into the next year. These New Year’s reflections were published on my blog, so feel free to go back and read them to get inspiration for what prompts you want to answer too. It’s a super easy and fun tradition AND you can do it with other people which I love! Last year Matt and I went to a New Year’s Reflections Meetup and did these prompts together which we both really enjoyed. Check out those previous blogs to get some ideas and see if some of the prompts resonate with you. If you need any additional New Years’ prompts, Pinterest is filled with them!

Reflecting on 2019: 13 Journal Prompts & My Answers

Reflecting on 2018: 13 Journal Prompts & My Answers

STEP 2: Pick a theme or a word for the year

The next step is to choose a theme, word, or phrase for the coming year. Or maybe 1-3 words if you’re really feeling inspired. Many people actually prefer choosing a word or a theme more than resolutions because it’s not as intimidating. A lot of times, one word is much easier to stick to than a list because it’s easy to remember AND it allows you to be flexible with your “resolution.”

As long as you remind yourself of that word or theme, you’ll be far more likely to stick to it. Choosing a word for the year has the same benefits as choosing an affirmation or intention for the day. It’s an extra measure that will help you to create a single-pointed focus. This word or words helps you guide the decisions and choices you make and how you spend your time. It also keeps you motivated and prevents you from getting distracted by whatever comes up by making sure that what how you’re spending your time is in alignment.

I recommend putting this word around your house, on your corkboard, in your planner, on your phone, or in decorations. Having a single word or phrase AND having a visual reminder of it will help you to remember it, stay inspired, and stay on track. Some examples of words, phrases, or themes that people choose for the New Year are conscious, family, intentional, slow down, thoughtful, deliberate, create, meditate, celebrate, listen, progress, possibility, today, consistency, or gratitude. 

If you still want to create goals and resolutions like me, you can then use this word or theme to create goals that align with it. This step will further set you up for success.

Example: My New Year’s Theme? To Have Fun!

This year, I’ve decided my theme for 2020 will be the year of fun. Well, not just the year of fun. I’ve decided that it would be the year of fun, financial abundance, and professional growth.

I was so focused on professional growth and stressing out about money last year that I didn’t have any fun at all. I was deeply terrified of failure and stuck in my limiting beliefs that I didn’t think AT ALL about relaxing and having fun. I was in a constant state of stress because all I cared about or could think about was, “What if I don’t make it?”

I poured every ounce of my emotion and mental energy into my blog and the worries that I had about it that I made myself miserable. But recently I had an epiphany…

Yes, I still want to be a personal coach, an author, a blogger, and podcaster – BUT I don’t want those things at the expense of my own happiness.

So yes, as a young woman starting a business for the first time ever, I am still going to make professional growth and finances a priority, BUT I will make sure that I have fun doing it. I’m not going to throw away 365 days of being happy to publish some ebooks, take on clients, and starting a podcast.

Accomplishing my goals and dreams means nothing if I’m making myself feel like crap to do it.

The second reason why I dub this the year of fun is because 2019 was a very hard year for me. Like I talked about in my blog post “Announcement: I’m Seeing a Therapist + How I Discovered I Had Depression & Why I’m Thankful For It,” a lot happened that weighed on my mind and made me extremely unhappy.

I was very depressed in 2019 and went through a series of ruts that lasted far longer than any I’ve ever experienced. I also spent most of the year working from home on my blog and leading a very isolated life. Luckily, I am now on the OTHER SIDE! I have a coach, I have a community, I have a home office, I have events and meetups that get me out of the house, and I’m MUCH happier than I have been in years. But 2019 was still very emotional and very sad for me and I want to make up for all that. For this reason, I dub 2020 the year of FUN!

I’m going to make this year as fun and exciting as possible. I’m making it a point to fill this year with fun and happiness as much as I possibly can. To go to concerts, to try new things, to get out of town for the weekend, to attend networking events, and to have date nights (that aren’t just going out to the same taco shop we’ve gone to 101 times). To truly make an effort to focus on my own happiness and not let it take a back seat to my goals.

STEP 3: Write out your goals and action plans 

After coming up with a theme, write down your specific goals for the year AND your action plan. The biggest mistake that we make over and over is setting a goal for ourselves WITHOUT any planning or preparation whatsoever. But changing the automatic habits that you’ve had for YEARS is not going to work if you just say “I want to lose 50 pounds” without figuring out the HOW of it all.

Figuring out how is what makes the difference between a dreamer and a DO-ER.

For example, I can think of a few people who have told me over and over again, “I want to do a triathlon.” They don’t have the equipment, they don’t have a bike, they don’t have a training schedule, they don’t ever sign up for one. So guess what? It never happens. A dream is just that – a dream. A dream with a PLAN is a goal. (An achievable goal for that matter.)

So as you’re writing down you’re resolutions this year, write down the ACTION PLANS too. How are you going to do that thing you want to do? Do you want to get in shape? Write down at least 6 action plans right now. Make sure they are things that you can actually commit to. Do this with every single goal or resolution that you have, not just at the beginning of the year, but all year long. Make it a point to create your action plans and put them in writing. 

Example: My Action Plan – The Yes Man Month

So as you know, my resolution is to have fun WHILE focusing on finances and my new business. So how do I plan on doing this? 

To do this, I am having an entire “Yes Man Month” inspired by the movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey. In my Yes Man Month I will say yes to one thing each day that is going to put me WAY out of my comfort zone or something that I always SAY that I want to do, but DON’T.

I decided to make this my action plan this year because whenever I make myself go outside of my comfort zone, it brings me more satisfaction and happiness than anything in the world (well, aside from my blog and business).

Whenever I try something that I’ve never done before, I LOVE it. It stimulates my mind, it gives me something new to talk about, it teaches me something that I’ve never known before, and it helps me to meet people. It makes me happier than anything. Whenever I step outside of my comfort zone or finally do something that I fantasize about doing but never actually invest the time and energy into doing, I feel like a whole new person.

In this “Yes Man Month” I will be carefully crafting an entire month of activities for myself to do that are all designed to be something that I would NEVER do. Things that literally terrify me, make me uncomfortable, or just “aren’t my thing.” Of course, I’ll be documenting this experience and share it with you when it’s complete.

The next action plans that I have for making the resolution my reality include doing something fun with Matt every single week, taking more weekend trips, and attending one event, group or coffee date every week. I have a solid plan to incorporate my resolution into my life each week AND best of all, they are steps that are easy and I actually WANT to do. 

STEP 4: Make sure you actually want to do the things you say you do

Like I said previously when I was talking about why resolutions typically fail – one of the top reasons is because the resolutions we make are sometimes not what we want to or are willing to do. They are reflective of that fantasy self you have in your head that is perfect in every way, is motivated all the time, and does things your real self has no desire to do. So step number 4, before you commit to anything is to make sure that you really do want to do these things you say you do. Because if you feel any sort of dread towards one of your goals this year, you will not do them.

Now, I’m not talking about the fact that you may deeply desire to be healthy and in shape but you don’t feel like going to the gym one day. I’m talking about saying that your goal this year is to run a marathon when running makes every single ounce of your being want to drop dead. The real you hates running more than anything on the face of the earth but the fantasy self in your head – the imaginary person you wish you could be – runs marathons. Make absolutely sure that your fantasy self is NOT the one setting your goals and resolutions this year. Make sure that everything on that list is what you want to do, not something you think you should want to do.

Example: My 2020 Goals & Book List

Last year, I did not do a fabulous job at this. I hadn’t quite learned the difference between the real Heather and her personality and desires and the fantasy Heather. At the beginning of 2019, I was in a place where I was very focused on spirituality. I was in a tough place emotionally because I was constantly trying to decide if I was REALLY going to take a leap, quit my job, blog full-time, and start studying at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. So I really needed spirituality in my life to guide me and let me know that I was safe and it was all going to be ok.

Every single moment of content that I absorbed for several months was either about yoga, meditation, or new age spirituality. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still obsessed with all those things. However, at this stage of my life, I was soaking up this content at an abnormal rate and started to really admire the yogi and the spiritual leaders that I listened to. So day by day, a new fantasy Heather has started to emerge and at the end of 2018, that version of me wrote my New Year’s resolutions. I wanted to do yoga every day; I wanted to be able to do a split and all of these other crazy difficult poses; I wanted to oil pull each day; I wanted to volunteer my time so that I could become more selfless; I wanted to practice acro-yoga every weekend and get CRAZY Instagram influencer level good at it. But then, everything changed. I got out of that stage of my life, quit my job, and went off on my own. Before I knew it, I didn’t need the constant spiritual content to keep me calm, and slowly that fantasy Heather disappeared, and I was left with a list of resolutions that the real me had no DESIRE to actually do. 

This year, the REAL Heather wrote my resolutions and my 2020 book list. My goals are only the things that the real me is dying to accomplish and already thinks about constantly. Things like writing ebooks, a physical book, creating a podcast, and launching my coaching business. Every goal I set and every book I said I wanted to read, I’m crazy excited to do. There’s nothing on there that I’m dreading. Take a look for yourself at my 2020 goals and book list. 

STEP 5: Establish accountability partners, coaches, and groups that will help you

The main flaw that I see in our society when it comes to the way we view health, self-improvement, and personal goals is that we think these are things that should be done in private. We are alone in our efforts to better ourselves. No one asks us about our personal goals, no one asks us how we’re doing accomplishing them, no one asks us how our health concerns are going, and we don’t ask them either. We set goals for ourselves but they’re always kept private. Wouldn’t it be “awkward” or “impolite” to talk about them?

Which means that when we want to meditate every day, journal every week, start a podcast, lose weight, write a book, lower cholesterol, run a 10k, quit sugar, build a piece of furniture, go vegan, build a tiny house, or anything else – no one is there to encourage us and keep us going. The only person we have to share our ups and downs with and keep us motivated and accountable is OURSELVES. But when we do that, the chances of success are chopped in half.

We are social creatures and we all need help, guidance, motivation, and inspiration from each other. So the last step before you can take this new year and new decade by storm is to not only figure out your goals and actions plans but to find PEOPLE to support you and act as your accountability partners. I’m not talking about “followers” or “online communities.” I’m talking about real, living breathing, in your face, with-an-actual-body people. People that you can open up to, cry to, or vent to. People that you can talk to about an aspect of your life that you deeply want to improve but are struggling with. This could be a friend, or someone you met at a networking event, or a group that meets regularly, or a personal coach like myself. Whatever it looks like, find someone who is working on the same thing as you and make them your accountability buddy.

Bonus tip: This usually works better if you’re not SUPER close to the person like a parent or spouse. Having someone who you’re close with but isn’t an immediate friend or family is going to have a much better outcome. By choosing someone you’re super close to, you might be less inclined to follow through because you don’t feel as if you have to follow through because they will “understand” if you don’t. But, everyone is different, so you may be one of the lucky few who can be successful with a parent or spouse. It doesn’t matter what this relationship looks like as long as it works for you and helps to keep you accountable.

Look back at your goals and your action plans and think about who would make a good accountability buddy for them. And if you honestly can’t think of anyone because your network is very small, then hire a coach or start networking in your area. I PROMISE you there are people just like you who have similar goals and are dying for support too.

Example: My Own Transformation

I know how powerful accountability partners are because none of my personal goals started to come to life until I hired a business coach and joined a business and self-improvement focused book club (which is so much fun it literally feels like a slumber party whenever we meet up). In the TWO MONTHS I’ve had these women in my life I started writing a book, planned an event, finally declared to the world that I am a health coach, creating marketing materials, started an ebook, finished a new page on my website, established my pricing for my coaching service programs, started pitching myself to brands, started doing reach outs, and more. I am living proof that this works! It’s only been two months and I’m astounded by the progress I’ve made just from having people to talk to, or ask for advice, or brainstorm with, or even just cheer me on. Now imagine what an entire 365 days of putting this into practice will turn into! Those projects I’ve started and the goals that I set for myself will be completed. And yours will too.

Remember, every single one of us needs help! Every single one of us needs support! Do not ever, under any circumstances, feel guilty or weak or ashamed that you need help in any aspect of your life. If you take this advice to heart and find your accountability partner (even if it’s someone you hire) you will be FAR more productive and successful in this New Year.

Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

As always, thank you so much for coming to Lost Online! I really hope that this blog post has convinced you that New Year’s resolutions CAN work. To have a successful New Year, all you have to understand are what top 5 mistakes to avoid when setting your goals and follow my 5 steps to creating reasonable and accomplishable resolutions. Becoming the most productive, successful, happy version of yourself is just around the corner if you go about your goal setting with thoughtfulness and intention.

Before you head out, let me know what you think in the comments! Are you someone who has historically take the perspective of “New Year’s resolutions NEVER work?” If so, was I able to make you more hopeful about them? OR are you someone who’s a self-improvement junkie who lives for goals and resolutions? Whichever group you’re in, what is your word or theme for the year? What are your resolutions or goals for 2020? What are your action steps? Are you 100% you’re willing and excited to do these things this year? And who are you’re accountability partners? I would LOVE to hear from you!

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that “+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online! 

Photo by Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

Reflecting on 2019: 13 Journal Prompts and My Answers

Self-Help

If you’ve been a reader of mine since last year, then you’ll probably remember that I published a blog called “Reflecting on 2018: 13 Journal Prompts and My Answers.” It was a pivotal moment for me because that was the very first blog post that I ever created with my friend, photographer, and editor Ray Reyes. 

At the time, I was dealing with some major confusion in my life. I knew that more than anything in the world that I wanted to be a blogger, YouTuber, podcaster, writer, and business owner. BUT, I was in the 9-5 grind. I was unhappy and constantly wondering if I should really take the leap and spend the first year of my life out of college creating a foundation for my wildest dreams.

It was a very scary, stressful, and confusing time. But finally having Ray there to talk and to work with is what gave me the courage that I needed to start becoming the person I wanted to be. That was the very first blog post that we shot together. A year later, we’ve now created and published over 40 blog posts together!

I can’t help but reflect on this time last year. Not only was it the start of a wonderful friendship, but the start of a new year, and the start of my adult life after graduation and moving out of my parents’ house. So much has happened between now and then. So I wanted to do another New Years’ reflection post! I originally started writing these journal prompts just for myself, but I thought it would be a nice Lost Online tradition to publish a blog about my 2019 reflections since then.

So here it is! One year later. This is me Reflecting on 2019: 13 Journal Prompts and My Answers!

Make sure to get out a journal and reflect on your answers for this past year too! It’s such a fun tradition that helps you remember all of the growth that happened, set you up for a positive and productive new year, and think about which areas of your life you want to work on.

2019 was the year of…

Transformation. At the start of the year, I said that 2019 will be the year of creativity. I was in a place where all I wanted to do was make blog posts, take photos, and make online content. I also was really immersing myself in spirituality. In my free time, I was immersed in ayurveda, yoga, meditation, etc. But after the first month or two of 2019, my attention shifted. Sure the blogging and content creation was fun, but I wanted to do more. I wanted to create ebooks, and coach people one-on-one, and hold events. Slowly my attention shifted towards that. I decided that I didn’t just want to be a blogger, but a full-blown business owner. I wanted to lay the foundation for myself for a successful career in the health and wellness industry.

But the reason why I say that it ended up being the year of transformation was because so many things fell apart in 2019 and eventually new opportunities started to come together. Everything from my health, my job, my family life, my relationships, and my confidence was turned upside down. Everything seemed to go wrong and I became very, very depressed. I even decided to start seeing a therapist.

BUT, just after things started to fall apart, better things started to come into fruition. I became very business-focused and stopped pigeon-holing myself as just a blogger; I made connections with friends that light me up more than anything in the world; I started to get more motivated and see my mental state change. Everything was turned upside down, but if it wasn’t for all of that happening, I wouldn’t be HERE right now. I wouldn’t be launching my own business in the new year and FINALLY monetizing my passions.

What went well for me?

  • I got to work with an amazing photographer every week to take the most beautiful and creative photos for Lost Online Blog.
  • I had enough financial freedom to leave my job and pursue my dream.
  • I published over 40 blog posts, some of which deeply resonated with people and helped them.
  • I hit my first 100 blog subscribers.
  • I created a YouTube Channel.
  • I had wonderful one-on-one time with my grandma when I went to visit her. 
  • I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life who has provided a safe space for me to open up about relationships and past traumas.
  • I found an herbalist and DoTerra Wellness Advocate who has supported me through several health concerns.
  • I finally got the rhinoplasty surgery I’ve been wanting for years and I finally feel comfortable when I look in a mirror.
  • I went on several trips including Zion National Park, Savannah, San Francisco, Cincinnati, and Niagara Falls.
  • I found a business coach which DRASTICALLY helped my mentality and productivity.
  • I finally started creating newsletters.
  • I ended up connecting with women who I love being around and now I’m finally starting to feel like I have support and community.
  • We bought the perfect little house for us.
  • We got a puppy!
  • I got over my fear-based mentality and self-sabotage and am finally launching my business.
  • I learned how to better manage my time.
  • I published several interviews that I’m proud of.
  • I started to build my email list.
  • I joined a book club which I’ve been wanting to do for years.  
  • I started to feel as if I have a community and a tribe of people who are actually interested in the same things as me like wellness, self-help, and self-development.

What did not go well for me?

  • My health and digestive problems got worse.
  • My dad and I lost our jobs on the same day.
  • My family was struggling for months dealing with the job loss and financial worries. 
  • I became super depressed, more than I have been in years.
  • I was in a new city with no friends and felt very alone until November.
  • I was isolating myself and staying home all day which made it harder.
  • I had tension in my relationship caused by a third party person.
  • I struggled with limiting beliefs, self-doubt, and self-sabotage up until very recently.
  • I had another massive hair loss which prompted me to need hair restoration. 
  • I didn’t make as much progress in my business and blog as I hoped because of the depression and isolation.
  • I had a falling out with a good friend.
  • I didn’t know how to manage my time for the better part of the year.
  • I never established a solid morning routine. 
  • I was being forced into buying a house when I wasn’t ready by a third party person.
  • I wasn’t respected in many close relationships which I needed a lot of therapy to get through.
  • I had to work at my kitchen counter and our couch up until October which did not help with productivity. 

How can I change those things that didn’t go well for me?

After looking back at this past year, I learned that a lot of the issues that I was dealing with were mostly emotional and mental because they revolved around being lonely, isolated, and not having friends. This affected my self-confidence like crazy and I became super depressed because I simply had no one to talk to or connect with about the things that I care about.

This caused so much stress and depression symptoms that made me feel like a loser and a failure up until very recently when I was lucky enough to connect with my business coach and a group of young female entrepreneurs that I became very close with. Since meeting them my world has completely changed because I’m no longer isolated and alone. 

I realized that the way I could change these emotional and mental issues I’ve been struggling with is to connect as much as possible by going to events, setting up coffee dates, reaching out to people over Instagram to have a REAL conversation, and joining groups in the community. In the next year, I plan on keeping up that change because it’s such a simple fix that makes me feel like an entirely different person.

What accomplishments did I have?

The biggest accomplishment that I had this past year was that I broke through many of the mental barriers that I had at the start of the year. That happened because I put myself out there and worked on what I care about, but also because I had a sense of community, and help from a business coach and a therapist.

Now, I feel like a changed person. I don’t feel like the “stupid teenager” anymore that I was always told I was when I was growing up. I actually feel confident about myself and my own path in life.

I feel like in the last year all of the ups and downs and all of the work on myself made me grow into the person that I needed to become to make all of my goals and dreams happen.

How did I improve my relationships?

This year I improved my relationships by 1) not forcing the ones that weren’t working out and 2) by connecting with people that were on the same level as me – as in other wellness-centered entrepreneurs. Surrounding myself with the people who were in a similar place as me made me feel understood and supported. And I finally had people to talk to about my interests, not just about drinking like most of the people my age. Also, it helped that I finally stopped forcing the relationships that weren’t working out because we have far different personalities or don’t have anything in common.

Also, now that I’m thinking about it, I realize that getting my own coaches and mentors in different aspects of my life helped me. I finally got professionals and mentors to help with the things that I was struggling with so that I wasn’t trying to force someone close to me to act as my mentor. Previously I would try to have my friends act as my business coach or health coach. I would constantly seek help from people who couldn’t help me with what I was struggling with which strained my relationships. 

What do I wish I had taken more time for?

This year I wish I would have taken more time to do my self-help practices like journaling, doing a daily gratitude practice, meditating, and visualizing. Those things are what refuels me and make me feel better. Unfortunately, living with a significant other, coming into adulthood, and focusing on business pulled my attention away from those things. 

What lessons did I learn in the last year?

The first lesson that comes to mind is the importance of community. Once I finally had a community of my own I realized how beneficial it is for our mental health and wellbeing. I can’t allow myself to be isolated and without that ever again. 

The second lesson that comes to mind is how to manage time. Although I should say how to manage it BETTER because I’m still working on it. With my business coach, I learned how to break down all of the tasks that I want to complete in small weekly steps, so that everything that I want to get done, WILL actually get done. This way I can see progress in my business every single week, instead of my ideas staying stuck in my head and not coming to light. Without learning time management, I would have NEVER seen any progress this year. The blogs, the newsletters, the progress in my ebooks, the IIN homework, and the website changes all got done because I finally learned how to time manage and break things into small steps, not just for my own clients, but for MYSELF!

The third lesson that comes to mind is that I need to stand up for myself and not let people bulldoze me. I’m an adult now and can’t allow random people to control my life. I can’t have people forcing me to buy a house, forcing me to open credit cards, forcing me to be their client, or forcing me to get a dog breed they approve of. In a way, I learned that I’m going to have to be kind of bitchy and assertive with people because some parts of this year have been hell all because I was trying to be polite, nice, and avoid confrontation.

2020 will be the year of …

I’ve decided that 2020 will be the year of fun, financial abundance, and professional growth.

I know that those are three separate things instead of just one word, but I have a reason for it. This past year I was in panic mode about how do I make money, how do I build my brand, and how do I get clients. Although I did have some accomplishments, I stressed myself out WAY too much and it wasn’t a fun experience. I stayed in a lot and isolated myself while I allowed myself to think of the worst possible scenarios. It wasn’t a very FUN year.

So, yes I plan on launching my business, taking on tons of new clients, and finally earning an income doing what I love. However, I plan on having fun at the same time. I plan on making it a point to enjoy myself even while accomplish my life long goals. Because what’s the point of reaching those goals if I have to make myself miserable to do it?

20 Things I want to do in 2020:

  1. Officially launch my business
  2. Take on health coaching clients
  3. Finish at least one ebook 
  4. Finish paperback book
  5. Host events
  6. Create a podcast 
  7. Get better with finances
  8. Journal weekly 
  9. Go to yoga regularly 
  10. Have a Yes Man month
  11. Put out a YouTube favorites video every month
  12. Use Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule
  13. Make IIN binders from all my course material 
  14. Finish 2020 booklist
  15. Get back into shape with the Apple Watch
  16. Wake up earlier
  17. Attend one event/group meetup/or coffee date each week
  18. Create a morning ritual 
  19. Put laundry away each weekend
  20. Heal my gut health

What do I want to manifest in 2020?

  • A total of 30 health coaching clients
  • An email list of over 1,000 people 
  • A finished and printed book
  • A 100th blog post party
  • Financial abundance
  • A healed gut and a full head of hair (my body is STILL recovery seven years later from going on birth control)
  • A trip to Salem, Massachusetts in the fall and a trip to the New Mexcio Hot Air Balloon Festival

This year will be the best year ever because…

I will finally be living the life that I’ve been dreaming I would live for years. I will finally be able to cross those major bucket list items off of like become a business owner, host a podcast, and write a book. AND I will be helping people while I do it! I will be able to support myself while doing what makes me happy!

I will show myself compassion in 2020 by …

Identifying when I’m in a negative thought pattern and being hard on myself and hypercritical of myself. Just identifying when I’m in that state and recognizing that it’s not me and these things aren’t true will greatly help my emotional well being. 

I will also show myself compassion in my weekly journaling session where I will share my wins from the week. This will help me get out of that negative, critical mindset and focus on the progress I’m making instead. 

BONUS: My 2020 Book List

  • 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, by Stephen R. Covey
  • How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
  • Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill
  • Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny, by Anthony Robbins
  • The 5 Second Rule: Transform your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage, by Mel Robbins
  • 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing my Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works by Dan Harris
  • The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron
  • Girl Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Are Meant To Be by Rachel Hollis
  • You Are the Placebo by Dr. Joe Dispenza
  • You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth by Jen Sincero
  • Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Won’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
  • The Four Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferries
  • Unfuck Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life
  • The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
  • 13 Things Mentally Strong People Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success by Amy Morrin
  • Happiless Chokelist by Laura Juntunen
  • Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
  • The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
  • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Mason
  • Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein

Thanks for Coming to Lost Online!

Thanks for coming to Lost Online for my new little tradition of reflecting on the past year and setting my intentions for the new year. I hope you enjoyed this post. But above all, I hope that this inspired you to sit down and answer these journal prompts yourself.

I think that it’s extremely important to reflect on the past year and set your intentions for the future. These moments of transition into a new calendar year is the perfect time to start fresh and transform your life for the better.

As always, let me know what you think in the comments! Did this post inspire you to reflect on 2019? Did you do this same exercise yourself? Or did you come up with your own New Years Reflections? What are they? AND what are your New Year’s Resolutions?!?! I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW! (You guys know how obsessed with self-improvement I am!)

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that “+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online! 

Photo by Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

Fear is a Compass: Everything You Want is on the Other Side of Fear

Self-Help

Fear. I know it all too well. And I’m willing to bet that you do too because every single one of us is terrified of something.

And it SUCKS, right? Don’t you just hate feeling scared? In my opinion, there’s nothing more unpleasant than the feeling of fear. Because when you’re afraid of something, your mind decides to play this little game where it comes up with a million possible outcomes of all of the different ways you’re going to fail, or suck, or disappoint, or even die! You get caught up in the perpetual loop of all the worst possible outcomes, and before you know it, there’s no possible outcome in your mind otherthan the worst-case scenario. 

The thought, “I want to quit my job to start a business,” turns into, “Oh my gosh, I’ll end up running out of money, I’ll be broke, I’ll end up homeless, my friends and family will disown me, I’ll have no one, I’ll be filled with regret for the rest of my life, I’ll get sick and die alone, no one will even remember that I was here, etc.”

Before you know it, a simple thought of quitting your job has turned into this loop that you’ve been stuck in with all of the possible, horrible outcomes that could end up happening to you.

In this blog post, I’m going to change your mind about fear for good. I’m going to convince you why fear is actually your best friend and why you should follow it as if it were a compass! Most importantly, I’m going to teach you how you can let go of fear’s hold on you so you can move forward and do the things that make you happy – without getting trapped in that fearful loop in your head.

Disclaimer: I just want to let you know that I’m not talking about rational fears. I’m not telling you to walk down an alley alone at night because the thought of doing so scares you. I’m not telling you to drive fast and furiously down the highway weaving through cars because it sounds scary. I don’t want anyone being reckless because of my blog posts.

Today, I’m talking about those icky, unpleasant fears that cause you anxiety as you’re going about your everyday life and hold you back from pursuing the things that make you happy. Things like starting a business or traveling the world. 

You know what I’m talking about, right? These fears:

  • “What will people think of me if I ___(insert your dream here)___?” 
  • “What if I fail?”
  • “What if I disappoint my parents?”
  • “What if I can’t get a job because I took a sabbatical and no one will ever want to hire me again?”
  • “What if I lose all my money?”
  • “What if this is a huge mistake?”
  • “What if I die alone?”
  • “What if I regret this decision?”
  • “What if they think I’m a fraud?”
  • “What if I don’t amount to anything?”

I’m talking about the fears that center around failure, rejection, and loneliness because those fears often require us to follow our hearts and go against what society or family tells us we’re “supposed to” do. I’m talking about the fears that we allow to control our day and the direction of our lives.

But first, Fear is Fabulous.

Now, because we ALLOW fear to control us and prevent us from moving forward, fear gets a bad rap. I hate it, you hate it, and it makes us feel terrible. BUT, fear is actually a fabulous thing for two reasons.

Reason Number One: It’s how our brain and biology keeps us safe from real danger.

When we are scared, everything that happens in our body occurs to keep us from getting hurt and keep us alive. The adrenal glands flood the body with adrenaline; the pupils dilate so we can take in more light and see more of our surroundings; our heart rate increases so that more blood gets to our muscles; we breathe faster to take in more oxygen; the blood flow decreases in our frontal lobe as adrenaline in the amygdala allows us to react purely on INSTINCT rather than through planning and logic.

It’s amazing when you break it down and think about how many things happen in the body in such a short moment to keep us from getting hurt when there’s a very real danger present. So really, fear is an incredible thing! We’re so lucky to have it! Fear serves a purpose and isn’t evil or bad in any way. If we didn’t have it, humans wouldn’t have made it this far in history. I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this post to you and you wouldn’t be reading it. So stop and take a moment to feel thankful that we even have this ability to feel fear.

Now, the reason why we tend to hate fear so much is that fewer PHYSICAL threats are happening to humans today. As we’ve evolved so many of the “threats” we encounter became more personal. That fear is still there, working in the exact same way, but now it comes up in times when we’re really not in danger. Like when we’re about to have a difficult conversation, when we’re able to speak in public, when our boss starts sending us passive-aggressive emails, or when we’re thinking of an approaching deadline.

That alone could be an entirely different blog post topic, but the reason why we’re here today is that fear also shows up to put the brakes on when it comes to pursuing our dreams… which brings me to my second reason.

Reason Number Two: Fear is like a compass pointing us in the direction of what we most want to (and have to) do in this lifetime.

The second reason why fear is fabulous is that it works like a compass, only instead of pointing north, it points you in the direction of what you want the most. Think about it for a moment – What terrifies you the most? I’m not asking what your worst nightmare is, here. I’m asking, what would scare you the most TO DO right now?

Many people think of things like starting their own business, writing a book, moving abroad, taking time off to travel, starting a project or hobby. It’s funny how the thing that we’re absolutely terrified of doing is actually the one thing that we want to do the most.

When I ask myself what I’m most terrified of, it’s pursuing my life-long dreams and everything that I’ve been wanting to do for as long as I could remember. Things like writing a book, starting a podcast, and starting my business. The things that I most want to do that would bring me the most joy, are simultaneously the things that scare the crap out of me and make me want to numb myself with a Netflix binge.

But this is again a GOOD thing. By noticing what scares you the most and causes you to get stuck in the fearful loop in your head, you’re able to clearly see what you want to do most and what you should be doing with your life. Once we learn to embrace that fear and use it as fuel, it allows us to move forward through uncertainty where we can truly grow. 

Everything You Want is on the Other Side of Fear

Moral of the story – fear isn’t a bad thing; allowing ourselves to be controlled by it is. But luckily for us, we have complete control over that. We can acknowledge the fear and move forward regardless of if it makes us uncomfortable. As difficult as that may be, it helps to remember all of the times when you stepped forward into fear throughout your life and did what you wanted to do anyway.

Haven’t you had some of those times? The times when you’ve taken a risk when you lost everything, where you pursued what you wanted to do over what felt comfortable? Think of some of them right now. Maybe it was the time back in high school where you pushed yourself to join the drama club even though it scared you. Maybe it was a time at your work where you asked to lead a project even though you were scared and doubted your capability. And aren’t you so freaking thankful that you did those things? They were pivotal moments in your life when you came into your own and took what you wanted in life. Your life changed for the better because of it.

You can do it again.

I believe that one of the reasons why people have so much stress and anxiety is because we’re not doing the things we want to do the most. We get trapped by our fear and bottle up our dreams year after year because we’re afraid they’ll lead us to rejection and failure if we pursued them. 

From my experience, stepping forward into fear to do what you love and pursue a dream is the best antidepressant in the world. Yes, there’s going to be uncertainty and there’s going to be confusion. But isn’t dealing with a little uncertainty worth it if you can be happy and have mental health?

If you allow fear to be a cage for you, rather than a compass, I promise you that your life is not going to be nearly as beautiful, enriching, and satisfying. And eventually, you’re going to look back filled with regret. 

So let me ask you a question from Mastin Kipp, the man who’s “Fear Fallacy” lecture inspired this blog post today…

“What if the quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with?”

-Mastin Kipp

I think this question sums everything up perfectly because the quality of our lives is directly related to how much uncertainty we have in it. It’s not about that ONE time that we choose to step out of our comfort zone, the real breakthrough happens when we learn to do this every day. When we learn to embrace uncertainty and risk and do the things that we want to anyways. It has to become a habit.

Think about this way: none of us really have CONTROL over anything. We can follow society’s and parents’ rules flawlessly, but what does that really do for us? Even if I did everything that I was “supposed to” do, I could still find out tomorrow that I have cancer and only have three months to live. The idea that we can control everything is make-believe. It doesn’t matter if you count your calories every day, wake up at 7 a.m. on the dot every morning, work out for exactly 40 minutes, spend your life slowly working up the corporate ladder, and always remember to send thank you notes after your birthday. Those things might make us FEEL in control, but in reality, we’re not.

So let’s embrace uncertainty anyways, and let go of this idea that if we stay inside our comfort zone life will be PERFECT. We’ll all be so much happier if we chose to embrace the uncertainty and step forward into fear because everything that we want is on the other side of it – a better relationship, a more fulfilling career, the vacation of our dreams, friends that are in alignment with us, and above all true HAPPINESS.

As I said on my “20 Facts About Me,” I’m a firm believer that the more you throw yourself outside of your comfort zone, the happier you will be.

Let go of fear’s hold on you

Now, you and I both know that me saying, “follow fear like a compass” or “throw yourself outside of your comfort zone,” is easier said than done. So, I’m going to share six tips with you that will help you to break the hold fear has over you.

Before we begin, you just have to get clear on what you’re most afraid of. Think about that thing that you really want to do, but you feel like if you do it people will be disappointed, or you’ll be unlovable, or you’ll be lost and confused. I know you have that one thing. Most of us have about five things. I’m sure you’ll have no difficulty in recalling what it is, but just in case this is something that you often fantasize about at work and stay up at night thinking about. 

Now, get out a notebook and write them down. Write down a bullet-pointed list of those 1-5 different things you’re scared to do. Then use the next six exercises to help you step forward into fear.

1. Ask yourself, what’s the worst possible thing that could happen?

One exercise that often helps is to imagine the absolute worst-case scenario and let it play out. But this time, instead of letting it play out in your head, say it OUT LOUD. I love this trick because when you let a terrible fantasy play out to completion and you actually SPEAK it out loud you realize just how far- fetched it is and just how unrealistic that worst-case scenario actually is.

It’s an exercise that my therapist had me do, and once I did it, I realized how ridiculous it was that me starting a blog and health coaching business would play out in my head until I would end up having to take a horrible job that I hated OR end up homeless. I literally felt as if me pursuing this dream was going to cause me to become homeless, and I believed it. UNTIL I shared all of this out loud. It suddenly occurred to me, the mind is SO DRAMATIC.

Because our mind tends to build things up. Every day, every week, and every year, we think about this thing until our minds turn it into a catastrophe. Eventually, we can’t even see just how distorted our perspective really is. We don’t even notice just how large we let this scenario become in our minds. Speaking the words brings it back into perspective. 

2. Ask yourself, is that really going to happen? 

Now ask yourself, “Ok, is that really going to happen?” No. Most of the things we spend our time worrying about NEVER happens.

I can confidently say that EVERY and ALL of the worst-case scenarios I’ve played out in my mind has never happened to me. Not once. 

Which reminds me, I was in a book club meeting one day at the yoga studio when one of the women told me that she calls worrying “borrowing trouble.” How true is that? Every day we let our minds go absolutely crazy with horrible things that could happen and all we’re doing is just borrowing trouble or borrowing anxiety from a future that’s not even going to play out.

Again, make sure to speak these words aloud to ground yourself in reality and get yourself out of that fearful loop in your mind. Tell yourself “No, ___(fill in the blank with worst-case scenario)___ is not actually going to happen.

“No, I’m not actually going to end up homeless.”

“No, the plane is not actually going to go down.”

“No, all of my friends and family won’t disown me.”

“No, I’m not going to lose all my money.”

3. Ask yourself, what will most likely happen if it doesn’t work out?

Now that you’ve made it clear that the worst-case scenario isn’t actually going to happen to you, ask yourself this question: “If things don’t go according to plan or don’t work out, what will most likely happen?”

When I asked myself this question, I realized that the answer was really simple. I was terrified that in starting a business, I would end up homeless, but what would most likely happen is that I would need extra money so I would get a part-time job. That’s not that bad! It’s simple. Life wouldn’t go according to plan, so I would simply come up with an easy fix to help me get through that early stage of having to find clients!

When you ask yourself this question, you’ll find that the real answer isn’t this dramatic, catastrophic event that’s going to turn your life upside down. It’s manageable. It’s not ideal, but it’s going to be ok.

4. When you find yourself reverting to the worst-case scenario, ask yourself this…

I know it’s really hard to break the habit of thinking about the worst-case scenario, so when you find yourself slipping, go through the first three exercises again OR ask yourself this hypothetical question:

Let’s just pretend that the terrible catastrophe actually DOES happen. What would be worse, the bad thing happening or dying with regret?

What would be worse for you? What would you rather happen? Personally, I would rather have something bad happen to me than not even try to live my life how I want to live it. When I first did this exercise with my therapist, I said that the worst-case scenario for me would be getting stuck in a job I’m miserable with because I failed as a business owner. But I would still take that outcome over having not even tried. 

5. Reflect on all of the times when you stepped forward into fear

For this exercise, I want you to do some more self-reflection. Get out that journal again or open up a document on your computer. Now, jot down all of the moments in your life when you were scared to do something, but you did it anyway because you knew it would help you grow and make you happy. 

Examples could be moving away to college, going on a retreat, traveling abroad, taking on a project you felt under-qualified for, asking the person you’re currently dating to go on a date, reaching out to your role model, starting a new hobby like skydiving, beekeeping, dancing, or pottery, getting out of a bad relationship, etc. 

When you’re done with the list, write a few sentences or bullet points about WHY you’re happy that you did each one of those things. Share about all of the personal growth that you made because you took the leap. Reflecting on similar instances will help you to put this new fear of yours into perspective.

Some of my own examples include taking a month-long trip through Europe with a group of strangers, asking for the account executive position on the Flagler College Smoke and Tobacco-Free campaign, and quitting my job to become a blogger and health coach. These things all scared the hell out of me at the time but have been some of the moments of my life that brought me the most personal growth and happiness.

Don’t rush this exercise. Reflect on it for as long as you need to take in just how beneficial those moments were for you. Remember, the quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with.

6. Try Mel Robbins Five Second Rule

So now you’ve reflected on what you’re most afraid to do and learned how and why to not let fear put you in a cage, but rather act as a COMPASS. But still, it’s hard to remember these things in your daily life, right? You can read every popular self-help book and journal every night but still find yourself holding back when you wake up in the morning and go about your day. What do you do then?

The answer is Mel Robbins, and her five-second rule. First of all, if you haven’t heard of Mel Robbins, you have to look her up. She’s an international best-selling author, motivational speaker with one of the top Ted Talks of all time, co-founder and CEO of 143 Studios, and now has her own talk show. She sets an incredible example for everyone on how you can step into fear, turn your life around, and become a success. And she did it all with a simple life hack, which she calls “The Five-Second Rule.”

The Five Second Rule works like this – “if you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it.” The moment you feel an instinct or a desire to act on a goal you have to commit and react immediately.

Whenever you feel yourself hesitating before doing something, whether it be applying for a job, booking your trip, going to the gym, waking up in the morning, count backward from five and them react immediately. Say to yourself, “5-4-3-2-1” and then GO.

Move toward action.

Why? Because as Mel Robbins describes it on her website, there is a window of time that exists between the moment you have an instinct to change and your mind killing it. That window is only about five seconds. 

If you don’t take action on your instinct to change within those five seconds you will stay stagnant, you won’t change, and your life will not transform in the way that you want it to. Because of that little fearful loop we talked about in the beginning. If you allow yourself time to hesitate, your brain will start to play that game where it comes up with all the terrible things that are going to happen to you and all of the worst-case scenarios. Because the brain wants to PROTECT you, and if you want something new that is foreign to your brain, it perceives it as a risk and immediately tries to stop you.

Like I said before, this instinct is amazing, it has kept us alive for thousands of years and we’re lucky to have it. However, we don’t need that fear holding us back when we’re applying for jobs, going on a trip, or starting a business – it’s not life or death here. 

But if you do that one simple trick by reacting immediately and not allowing that nightmare to begin playing out in your mind, you can prevent your mind from working against you and your personal goals. You can start the momentum before the mind starts to craft excuses.

This also helps because you’re NEVER going to feel like it. You’re never going to suddenly feel like doing all these things that are good for you or the things that terrify you. You have to make yourself do it, and make yourself do it QUICKLY. Otherwise, you won’t move forward. You’ll remain stuck in the cage of fear instead of allowing it to point you towards the next chapter of your life.

Takeaways

Before I head out and wrap up this post today, I wanted to leave you with a few takeaways to keep in mind.

1. Fear is normal, it’s OK to be afraid. It’s MORE than ok to be afraid. Don’t shame yourself for being scared of something. Being scared is the brain’s way of keeping you safe, and it’s a survival instinct that exists inside of ALL of us. It’s not unique to you and you’re not weak for having it.

2. However… don’t let fear CONTROL your life. Don’t let fear be the reason why you never __(fill in the blank)__. Because everything you want is one the other side of fear: better health, better relationships, a fulfilling career, happiness, life experience, memories you will cherish, personal growth, and more. 

3. Fear is a compass showing you where to go. The thing you are most terrified of is the thing that you want more than anything in the world. UNLESS you’re in mortal danger. You still need common sense! I’m not saying that if you’re walking around alone at night and the thought of walking down a dark, secluded alley scares you that you should do it. But the thing you’re most scared to do is the exact path that you need to take in your life.

4. The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with. The more you remain in your comfort zone, the less happy you will be. The more you throw yourself outside of your comfort zone, the more you are slowly becoming the version of yourself you always dreamed you could be.

5. Do the written and verbal exercises I’ve outlined above to get rid of the hold that fear has over you. By realizing that your worst-case scenario is NOT going to happen you’ll be able to relinquish the hold it has over you. You’ll realize it was all in your mind. Do it every day if you have to. You must regularly remind yourself of how dramatic your mind can be while you’re trying to pursue your dreams.

6. Use the five-second rule. Use it to get up in the morning, to go to the gym, to start your website, to write a blog, to make a call, to put together a media kit, to write a book, to cook dinner. Use it all the time, but especially when it comes to the things you’re scared of. It’s a simple trick that will help you to bypass that fearful loop in your head altogether.

7. When all is said and done, when you learn to step forward into fear, you’ll wonder why you waited so long. You’ll find yourself thinking, “Huh, that wasn’t that bad,” or “that wasn’t that scary.” It will give you the confidence to pursue more of what you want in the future and become the highest version of yourself. 

Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

As always, thanks for coming to Lost Online. I hope that this post helped you to break the hold that fear has on you and FINALLY decide to live your life on your own terms. Without being held back by a barrage of negative thoughts, fears, and worst-case scenarios.

Remember to let me know your thoughts on the way out! What takeaways did you get from this post? Did you agree that fear is a compass? Is fear a compass for you, or is it currently a cage? Did you try these exercises I suggested? Which ones helped you get rid of the hold fear has on you and step FORWARD into fear? Are there any other suggestions that you would give to others to stop fear from controlling their lives? Let me know in the comments!

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that “+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online! 

Photos by Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

The Broken Window Theory & How to Create Massive Change in Your Life

Self-Help

Can you believe that it’s already the end of summer? How freaking quickly is the year flying by? It seems like just yesterday I was writing down my New Year’s resolutions and determined to create a better me in 2019. Well, if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably nowhere near checking off those resolutions and wondering “Who the hell did I think I would be in 2019? Superwoman?”

I’m not the only one who’s made this mistake over and over, and it doesn’t just happen during the new year. We’re all interested in improving ourselves in some way, whether it’s getting in shape, learning a language, learning how to cook, deepening our yoga practice, reading more, etc. But in our good intentions and excitement from a sudden wave of inspiration, we try to do too much and we set ourselves up for failure. We want to change, but often try to create a drastic change in such a short period of time which inevitably only leaves us feeling guilty and disappointed.

This happens with both the bad habits we’re trying to break and the good ones that we want to adopt. A very popular example would be trying to quit smoking cold-turkey. We all know someone (or maybe we are that someone) who’s always “trying to quit.” Don’t worry, there’s no judgment from me!

One of my latest examples was that I wanted to start keeping my apartment cleaner so Matt would be happier to come home to a clean space and our home would look lovely all the time. I decided that each and every day I would have the dishes done, the laundry done, the counters spotless, fresh flowers in the kitchen, the floors vacuumed, the bed made, and the bathroom cleaned – 24/7. I decided this randomly one evening after a surge of inspiration to tidy up the house. Well, it’s now weeks later, and how beautiful do you think the apartment is looking right now? It’s NOT.

My clothes and piles of laundry are scattered all over the apartment, and there’s no sign of my resolution to keep the house clean. The clothes have taken over yet again. If I ever go missing, you just might find me trapped under a pile of clothes in our bedroom. 

As a self-help and self-improvement junkie, I understand more than anyone that desire to improve oneself and feel that sense of personal accomplishment when your goals are met, the house is cleaned, you’ve eaten healthy, and you’ve worked out that day. There’s nothing better than that feeling of being proud of yourself. But too often, we get so excited about that potential to create drastic change and become a better person, that we try to create massive change in our lives overnight. We try to lose 20 pounds immediately, we try to read five books in a month, or we try to go vegan in a weekend. But ultimately those changes don’t last. Changing one’s lifestyle and behaviors takes time and learning.

The Broken Window Theory

This blog post was inspired by a podcast by The Minimalists who I’ve referenced many times before. If you haven’t heard of The Minimalists, they’re best friends Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus who became popular after releasing their documentary “Minimalism” on Netflix. They’re authors, podcasters, filmmakers, and public speakers who spend their lives sharing how living with less helped them find happiness, freedom, and fulfillment that money and possessions can’t give us.

In one of their “Quickie” podcast episodes, called “How Small Changes Make Big Progress,”Joshua and Ryan discussed how small everyday changes in our lives helps us move toward sustainability because those radical changes just don’t stick. Radical changes are like crash diets – it’s not feasible to keep that going all the time. However, making small healthy changes, one meal or snack at a time is what gives people the results that they want. Over time, those small changes eventually start to multiply. 

In this podcast episode, Ryan talked about an example of this that he witnessed when he was visiting Tokyo. He noticed that the city was so immaculate and clean that whenever he would see a piece of trash on the ground, it motivated him to pick it up! The city looked so clean and perfect that he felt the need to keep it that way. I think that’s really saying something, because how often do we go out of our way to pick up trash when we’re walking around? 

Joshua gave his example that resonated with me so much that it was the part that inspired this post today. He shared that this phenomenon is often called “The Wildfire Theory,” but he thinks of it as “The Broken Window Theory.”

He explains how in the 1990s in New York City, people were trying to make the city nicer and over time the urban planners realized something interesting in their efforts to turn the city around. They noticed that if there was ever a broken window in one building and they FIXED it, other buildings nearby start fixing their broken windows too. However, the areas that they didn’t fix ended up getting more broken windows and eventually would attract graffiti and other vandalism. Of course, they also noticed that whenever there was a little bit of graffiti, this lead to MORE graffiti. This realization prompted urban planners to not only fix windows all over the city but to create a 24-hour graffiti removal service. All you had to do was call the hotline, and someone would be there to remove the graffiti within 24 hours!

I love this example that Joshua gives because it’s safe to say that the majority of us have noticed this with our own eyes, and I think that it’s much easier to grasp the broken window theory than to picturing a wildfire. The other reason why I love this example is that the same is true for our everyday lives. As Joshua says, “We all have our own broken windows.” They take the form of past traumas, household clutter, toxic relationships, financial stress, smoking cigarettes, unhealthy eating, and weight gain. They’re the things in life that we want so badly to fix, but we can’t. Why? Because that’s A LOT of freaking changes.

And the broken windows are often so subtle that we don’t notice them as the start of a much bigger issue. They show up as the pajamas we throw on the ground in the morning; the laundry that piles that we don’t put away; the “to-do” list that keeps growing; the appointments that have to be made; the dishes that stack up in the sink; the Oreos that we ate last night; the toxic emotions we’ve bottled up since childhood. We don’t make the effort to fix the problem soon enough, or maybe even notice it happening, so it creates more and more chaos.

Then when we decide to make a change, we try to take on too much at once. We try to turn over the entire city of New York in one week; we try to clean our entire apartment in one night; and we try to knock out a to-do list that’s been growing since we rang in the New Year. The reality is that these broken windows have to be fixed the same way they were created: gradually. 

The added challenge that we have to take into consideration is that those “broken windows” are years of habits that have become so ingrained in us that we don’t even realize that we’re doing it. It all becomes automatic. We get up in the morning and we throw our pajamas on the ground; we eat dinner and we leave the dish in the sink; we do laundry but we never put it away. So how on earth could we change all of those things at once? I don’t know this for sure, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible.

How to Create Massive Change in Your Life?

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna leave you on THAT note – by saying it’s impossible, that nothing can be done. So I put together a list of seven ways that you can fix your broken windows in a way that’s gradual AND reasonable, and that have the potential to actually stick long-term. I recommend trying all of them and then picking the one that you find the easiest to incorporate in your life. 

1. Fix one broken window at a time

My first piece of advice is to fix one broken window at a time. If you want to get in shape and focus on your health, maybe don’t declare to the world that you’re going to do P90X every day for the next 90 days, give up all the foods that you love, and stop drinking. Side note: I saw someone do this before and he looked MISERABLE… and also went back to his bad habits once he was done. Just as quickly as he got a six-pack, he lost it. 

Instead make the decision to exercise for an hour 3-4 days a week, or to run a 5k, or get 10,000 steps in. Then, after you’ve made one change and adapted to it, make one dietary change every couple of weeks. Maybe give up that one thing you eat WAY too much of. I met a woman once who lost 25 pounds because she gave up Pepsi! PEPSI! That’s all she did!She didn’t throw in an entire exercise regime and dietary changes all at once. She worked on ONE broken window: her soda addiction. I met her after she had lost all that weight and she talked to me about what her next healthy change would be. She was in the process of trying to decide how she would incorporate exercise next.

So pick one “broken window” and do something that is actually going to work for you in your everyday life. Fixing that window will help you gradually fix the other windows, and in the end, it will last.

2. Set the bar low 

If you find yourself not being able to accomplish those big things you set out to do, set goals that are so ridiculously small, that it would be impossible to NOT do them. Set the bar extremely low! Don’t put pressure on yourself to quit smoking immediately, instead, say I’m not going to smoke after ___ pm. Or I’m not going to smoke more than ___ amount of cigarettes a day. Or I’m only going to get ___ packs a week. Set the bar low and give yourself a chance to adjust.

Here’s another example: You know how much it sucks to unpack after a trip? You know how you have to unpack that suitcase, but it sits there on the freaking floor for days, sometimes weeks, overflowing with clothes that you never want to put away? Ok, maybe it’s just me. I REALLY hate laundry in case you couldn’t tell. Whenever I catch myself doing this… which is anytime I go anywhere, I make the decision to put away ONE item in the suitcase every time I walk by it. Once I decide that I’m able to tackle the suitcase in no time, but if I tried to do it all at once, it wouldn’t happen. 

Set the bar so stupidly low, that you have no reason and no excuse to not follow through. If you want to accomplish something BIGGER, like a bigger goal or lifelong dream, not just unpacking a suitcase, plan out each of the steps that you’re going to be taking. Decide each low bar that you would have to set for yourself in order to finally actualize that dream. Decide to enroll in a course tomorrow, or research your target market, or write one page of your business plan, or finally register as a business, or write ONE page of your book. Write down each low bar you have to set for yourself and accomplishing the bigger things in life. It will make it far less scary, far more reasonable, and it will finally get you moving in the right direction.

3. Gretchen Rubin’s One Minute Rule

If it’s a matter of the little things accumulating and getting out of hand, try using a trick that I learned from happiness expert, author, blogger, and podcaster Gretchen Rubin. She came up with this “One Minute Rule” that’s become incredibly popular with her audience. The idea is that if you can do something in one minute or less, you should do it right away.

This trick helps to tackle countless broken windows throughout the day and prevent them from spiraling into a bigger issue. For example, a plate can be rinsed off and put in the dishwasher in about 5-10 seconds, so you should do it right away. It gets little tasks out of the way and keeps them from boiling up. For that reason, it takes you a few seconds to do something, rather than letting dozens of simple tasks get out of hand. At that point, it would take you an hour, or even several hours of running around trying to do so many things at once. We’ve all been there when we’re trying to clean up a room that we let get messier and messier for the last month, which means that we have to spend the next half a day cleaning to get everything done. It takes so much more time and energy to tackle all of it than it would to chip away one task at a time.

It’s a great trick to adopt as far cleaning and putting clothes away if you’re like me, but it could also be used in everyday life. Because I’m writing this post right now and was reminded of this rule, it finally prompted me to call someone back that I’ve been putting off for two days, even though I knew it would only take me 60 seconds. If you have to do anything that takes a minute or less, like write a quick email, then write the damn email! Otherwise, all it does is add to the collection of broken windows you have going and weigh on your mind. 

4. Set a power hour

This next tip is also one that I learned from Gretchen Rubin. (I really love her in case you couldn’t tell). The idea is that if you have a lot of tasks stacking up – maybe they take a minute or maybe they require a little bit more time and energy – you should set an hour aside each week to tackle them.

You know those tasks that aren’t necessarily hard or difficult, but it requires you to do a few steps, or make a couple of calls, or research something first, or dig through your filing cabinet, so you just keep not doing it? The thought of spending those next 10-15 minutes working on this random annoying task that you don’t want to have to do, keeps you procrastinating and not doing this thing for weeks. I do this to myself whenever I have to go looking for a new doctor. For example, when I decided that I wanted to see a therapist, it took me several weeks to finally start making calls and searching for someone because I knew I’d have to spend at least 20 minutes, researching places in the area, calling people, repeating my insurance information, setting up appointments, and then going to consultations with different therapists.

This task wasn’t hard, but it felt annoying and inconvenient. It took more time and mental energy than putting away some dirty dishes, so I continued to put it off. I’m sure you have some task like that you really don’t want to do! For things like these, it’s a good idea to select a day of the week and set aside one hour to power through these random tasks that you’ve been setting aside. It forces you to finally get it done and make some progress, and it finally eliminates that task that’s been weighing on you and making you unhappy and anxious.

5. Decide 1-3 things you want to focus on the next day

One way to tackle your broken windows, eliminate bad habits, or even accomplish larger goals, is to decide the night before what you will focus your energy on tomorrow. I like to incorporate this whenever I feel myself losing focus on my work and getting stressed out. Each night before bed, get out a notebook or a post-it note and reflect on what you would like to focus your energy on the next day. Remember to only pick one to three items.

I find that this works because otherwise, it’s easy to look at the mountain of tasks that you need to get done in order to be successful or reach a goal, and think to yourself, “Where the f*ck do I even start?” For example, sometimes my list looks something like: 1) Create welcome email 2) Edit new video 3) Start ____ post. Or 1) Publish post 2) Choose quotes for Pinterest graphics 3) Brainstorm ebook ideas. It’s a short list of goals that you know you can reasonably get done the next day and provide some direction and support so you stay on track.

You can use this trick with work, with getting in shape, or with breaking bad habits. It’s even been helpful for me in the areas of spirituality and self-improvement. If you’re trying to lose weight, your list might look something like: 1) Go to the gym for 20 minutes 2) Make dinner at home 3) No snacking after 9 pm. Or maybe 1) Look up ab workout ideas 2) Get some healthy snacks at the grocery store 3) No chips. The beauty of this list is that it varies every day, so you don’t make the same mistake of making a drastic decision or lifestyle changes at once. 

6. Say no

I felt the need to mention saying no on this list as well because too many people try to take on more than they can handle. Not only is it a way that we self-sabotage, but it’s also a reflection of our culture now. It’s a culture where we treat each other like computers that are meant to be productive, to perform, and to function all day long, rather than connect, love, and LIVE.

It’s a culture where high school students feel as if their self-worth is defined by how many AP classes they’re in and if we’re not making six figures, we’re not good enough. I believe that we won’t be able to create massive change in our lives and fix our broken windows unless we learn to first slow down and cut back. Otherwise, our physical and mental energy is drained, while more windows break in an effort to keep all the balls in the air. But here’s the thing, while we desperately need to learn to say no to other people, we especially need to learn to say no to OURSELVES.

We’re our own worst critic and nobody expects more from ourselves than we do. Which is when I get 10 new ideas for blog posts, I expect myself to be able to do all of them. When I have an idea for a video, an email, a graphic, a book, I think that every idea I have to say yes to in order to be the superhero version of myself I want to be. I do this with collabs, with my website, with challenges I make up for myself, and with classes and programs that I learn about. It’s the reason why Matt is always having to have an intervention with me at our kitchen counter and say, “You’re trying to do too much. You’re gonna stress yourself out. You can’t do it all.” While we may have thousands of epic and wonderful ideas, it’s impossible to say yes to all of them. By saying yes to every idea, you’re not even able to see one through completely. So learn to slow down, and say no. Say no to family members who demand too much from you, say no to friends who treat you more like an assistant than a friend, say no to coworkers that try to pass off their responsibilities onto you, and above all, say no to yourself. You can’t do it all. 

7. Remind yourself that it’s going to take time

Last but not least, when it comes to creating massive change in our lives, it’s important to remind yourself that it’s going to take time. I’m so guilty of this because I want everything done, perfect, and completed right away. I’ve very impatient when it comes to my progress and I have to remind myself of this almost daily. And I know I’m not the one human being in the world who does this to themselves. I see it in my friends and family too.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and create expectations that we would never expect from anyone else. And we expect that we should be able to get things done immediately. We go to one CrossFit class and immediately think we’re weak and bad at it because we can’t deadlift 200 lbs. Or we take one yoga class a year and get frustrated with ourselves because we can’t do a headstand right away. When it comes to ourselves, we think we should make progress far faster than is reasonable, which is why it’s so important to remind yourself that things take time. All you can do is to try your best, and eventually, you’ll get there. 

Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

I hope this post was helpful for you by highlighting the biggest pitfall that millions of us make every January – we expect to make a massive change in our lives overnight. When it comes to accomplishing lifelong goals, breaking bad habits, or creating healthy change in our lives, for some reason, we feel as if we should do it instantaneously. The problem is that many of us have our own little “broken windows” that have to be fixed before we can do that. Like sleeping in too late, eating unhealthy, holding ourselves back, or staying in toxic relationships. But if you take small steps, and make one change at the time, that effort begins to spread like wildfire.

As always, let me know what you think in the comments! Have you noticed that you’ve made this mistake before? Or maybe are making it right now? What are some examples where you’ve done this to yourself? Have you thought of any of your own broken windows? How do you think you could create massive changes by using some of these tips I mentioned? Do you have any other suggestions that you think might help people create massive change in their lives? Let me know in the comments!

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that”+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

Photos by Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

Announcement: I’m Seeing a Therapist + How I Discovered I Had Depression & Why I’m THANKFUL For It

Announcements, Self-Help

This week’s blog post is a bit different for me. If you’ve read Lost Online for a while, then you’re probably familiar with the fact that’ll I’ll occasionally write about announcements in my life like starting at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition – but never have I shared an announcement THIS personal. 

I’ve debated about sharing this so many times with mental illness being such a sensitive and personal topic but finally decided that keeping this a secret wouldn’t feel authentic. Because I am so passionate about self-help and wellness I really feel called to share my decision with you about seeing a therapist. Keeping such a big decision private (as someone who preaches self-help and wellness each and every week) just isn’t me. I like being honest on my website, even if it’s not always the cool thing to do. 

Very recently, after realizing that I had depression which wasn’t planning on leaving my side anytime soon, I decided to start seeing a therapist. For the first time in my life, I didn’t just entertain the idea or talk about it. I finally picked up my phone, actually made a call, and booked my first ever therapy appointment – a huge step that I wasn’t sure I would ever take. Since that day I keep giving myself mental praise, “Hell yeah, I actually f*cking did it. I took the first freaking step!” It’s not very often I feel proud of myself, but today I am. Up until this point, the idea of seeing a therapist seemed as terrifying to me as much as swimming with a Great White shark. 

So I wanted to come here today, as I normally do, to talk about what prompted me to finally start seeing a therapist NOW in hopes that it will inspire someone else who may be going through something similar and just needs to hear that they’re not alone.

The Build-Up

It’s been nine months since I first moved to St. Petersburg, Fla. with my boyfriend Matt. I could still remember how excited and thrilled I was that I finally graduated from college and was about to start a life with my partner. It was such an exciting time, picking out the decor, signing a lease, grocery shopping together! I was finally growing up and I could not wait. My entire life I looked forward to the day when all this would happen – when my life would start, when I’d have someone to come home to, when I’d finally be FREE to live as I please. I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly thought that once I moved out and had my own place life would be WONDERFUL. It would be perfect. It would be filled with travel, love, beauty, money, friends, adventure, rainbows, and unicorns. LOL. That’s not what happened. 

Here’s what actually happened: Since I first moved to this coast to sunny St. Pete, nothing happened as I expected. There’s been so many big life changes, decisions, and challenges that I didn’t see coming for the life of me. For the first time ever I was in a new town trying to make a life for myself without family or school providing some structure and support. I was alone having to make friends as an adult (which is surprisingly difficult). I’ve tried so many times to make friends with people only to be canceled on and stood up again and again.

I had to get used to a whole other family that’s now in my life with their own opinions and oh so many expectations. I’ve had to deal with WAY more family drama than you would expect both in my family and Matt’s. I’ve been pressured into buying a house before I was ready, with NO ONE around me respecting my feelings. I then fell in love with a house and had that dream taken away after we discovered a disturbing termite infestation and had to resend our offer. 

I felt real financial stress for the first time. I’ve felt the pressure to find a job while being asked every single day, “So did you find a job yet? How’s the job hunt going?” (Apparently, when you are job hunting, it’s the only thing you’re allowed to discuss with people.) I’ve been spewed so much unwarranted advice about job hunting from people who haven’t looked for a job in 20 years. 

I then had months of sleepless nights struggling with the decision to leave my full-time job to pursue what I wanted. Then, I got let go from another job, followed by months of working at home from my kitchen counter leading to a very isolated lifestyle because there’s no “blogger office” you can go into to hang out with people.

That’s not even including the health problems, friend drama, and family issues that are way too private to share online. But the biggest challenge of all – I can’t make one decision in life without someone feeling the need to intervene and share their two cents with me. Wherever I want to live, whichever house I live in, whichever dog I get, SOMEONE has an issue with it. I really believed that once I was on my own that I would be magically liberated from the opinions and judgment of others.

If this is what everyone meant by, “Wait until you get into the real world,” I finally understand what they mean.

That transition period from college to adulthood is extremely overwhelming, and then you throw in health problems, a new city, a new family, and financial stress and it’s no wonder I’ve been so anxious and depressed over the last nine months. There’s been A LOT going on, and those are just the bullet points. 

It reminds me of a quote I just saw on Instagram today that said, “Being an adult is just saying, ‘But things will slow down a bit again’ to yourself until you die.” I think that sentence wraps up the last nine months of my life perfectly. 

How I Discovered That I Had Depression 

All of that brings me to these past few months when I’ve felt so low, so defeated, so disrespected, so helpless that I just felt like, “What’s the point?” “Why even get up early, get a bunch of work done when life keeps handing me one shit sandwich after another?”

My depression stayed while the excitement, motivation, and inspiration fell away. I ended up spending way too many days over the last few months in sweat pants, greasy hair, exhausted for no apparent reason, not feeling like myself at all. So many days I felt lazy, unmotivated with overwhelming sadness or sometimes not feeling anything at all. Sometimes even just getting out of bed in the morning felt like going to war. It seemed impossible. What’s worse is that staying in bed turned into a vicious cycle where I felt guilty and disgusted with myself for not working and getting more done.

Once I was up, I couldn’t even bring myself to take care of myself, do work, eat well, or go to the gym. Some days I would binge on junk food for comfort, other days I wouldn’t eat a thing. Because of how low I felt, I isolated myself more and would hardly leave the apartment. 

It was about nine months of lead up and slowly feeling worse and worse until one day I realized: I don’t think this is normal. This doesn’t seem to be one of my typical “ruts” that might last a few days. It seems more serious than that. 

But I still wasn’t 100% convinced that I was experiencing depression. I thought that in order to be depressed you had to have suicidal thoughts or actions, which I don’t. I still want to live and continue to grow, I still have hopes, dreams, and aspirations, but I still felt terrible and sad most days. So, I became more and more curious about whether or not that’s what I’ve been experiencing. 

This eventually led me to into a google-searching black hole one night. I started looking up articles about how to tell if you have depression and found a long collection of articles that all had similar titles. Most of them said, “30 symptoms of depression,” “20 ways to tell if you have depression,” “12 secret symptoms of depression,” “15 little known side effects of depression.” You get the idea. Well, it turns out, I had ALL of the symptoms and “secret” side effects of depression, aside from one – bed sores.

It turns out that I had depression all along, and just didn’t realize it. It wasn’t until I had every symptom and checked with Google before I finally realized that’s what was going on. It was difficult to finally admit to myself that that’s what I’m going through, especially being someone who’s so immersed in self-help and wellness. I would love nothing more than to “fix” myself and be a perfect, shiny, glimmering example of health, happiness, self-love, and positivity for you. It also was somewhat of a relief though, because there have been too many times when Matt asks me for the third time in one night, “What’s wrong?” Followed by me saying, “I’m tired,” because I honestly don’t know what to say. 

Finally Seeking Help

There have been many times I should have seen a therapist throughout my life, but I never went through with it. I was way too scared to finally take the leap and I had so many irrational fears about what might happen if I actually DID see a therapist. I was afraid of being labeled or being viewed as a freak who couldn’t get their life together. I was scared that I might hear people say to me, “What the f*ck would you have to be depressed about?” Especially if it was my family saying those things. It would make me feel so guilty when they’ve worked so hard to give me the life that I have now. Seeing a therapist seemed almost unfair or even wrong. However, what terrified me the most was the thought of sitting across from a stranger and crying for an hour about my deepest and most personal issues. The thought of that still makes me cringe.

Even though I know SO many people who see therapists and talk about how much it’s helped them through depression, anxiety, family problems, and trauma, I couldn’t bring myself to do it for the longest time. Which only meant that the longer I put it off, the more I built it up in my mind and the scarier it seemed. 

But now here I am, a self-help and wellness blogger that spends days experiencing overwhelming sadness and not being able to get out of bed. I’ve read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, tried all the supplements, adopted all of the self-care rituals, and here I am – experiencing depression. It was that thought that FINALLY made me pick up my phone one day and seek out a therapist. There comes a point when if you experience depression, you can’t leave it up to random authors to play the role of your therapist for you, you need to actually talk with someone. 

So here I am at the start of my own therapy journey and I just had my consultation appointment today (as I’m writing this). After making that initial phone call and setting up my appointment, my fears surprisingly went away and were replaced with an emotion that I was NOT at all expecting: excitement. It appears that all of the overthinking that I did about whether I should or shouldn’t see a therapist for years made that initial phone call scarier than actually sitting down with someone. 

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of overthinking you’re doing with the problem. Let it go and be free.” – unknown

Viewing Depression in a Positive Light 

Now that I’m finally taking a leap of faith and moving forward with a therapist I’m feeling very hopeful about what’s to come. It’s allowed me to reflect on the last 9 months without being so triggered by it and think about the advice that I wish I could give myself when I first moved to St. Petersburg. I put together three main takeaways that I want to share with you today so that it may reach someone else who needs need to hear this too.

1. Life goes in phases

There will be moments when you feel on top of the world and there will be moments when you’re feeling down. You’ll have the best days of your life, but there will still be the worst days. But as much as it sucks when you’re hurting and life keeps kicking you when you’re down, those times are necessary. It would be impossible to feel on top of the world all the time or else you wouldn’t appreciate it. If everything went your way you wouldn’t realize how special it was and would take it for granted. 

That’s why it’s important to honor the highs and the lows equally. To feel happy and grateful when things are going well and to trust that everything is working in your greatest favor when they are not. 

2. It’s always darkest before dawn

Just as I shared in my latest blog post, “How to Recognize Universal Signs, things falling apart of “bad” things happening is a good thing. A lot of the time, it’s actually the universe working in your favor. I believe that many of the good things that happen to us would be brought into fruition without something falling apart. Just like how you wouldn’t have met your soulmate unless you broke up with that douchebag you used to date in college!

I’m going to go ahead and quote myself for a minute, in case you haven’t read the last blog post yet.

“We can’t expand, fulfill our purpose, or become our highest selves if everything is going well and if everything was EASY. We can’t continue to improve and learn important lessons if everything is rainbows and unicorns all the time. We’d be way too comfortable. And if there’s one thing that I know in this world, it’s that you can’t grow inside your comfort zone…Challenges happen because it’s the universe pushing you to level up.” – Heather Ione Clark

It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite quotes in the world, from author J.K. Rowling: “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” If it wasn’t for her challenges, the world would have never been blessed with the magical, wizarding world of Harry Potter!

But just as much as I believe that challenging times happen to us so that we can reach our soul’s purpose, I also believe that the rough periods are happening to us for another reason. We all have lessons that we’re meant to learn in this lifetime so that we can evolve and become our highest selves. Even though it’s much easier to take the victim mentality, instead look at it from the perspective of, “What can I learn from this?”

When I take this healthier and more positive perspective, I’m able to understand that this depression I’ve been experiencing is happening for a greater purpose – it will help me to grow, finally address traumas that I haven’t let go of, and it will help me to inspire others to seek help too. 

3. It’s ok to not be ok

It’s ok if you’re not always feeling “#blessed” like how you are in your Instagram captions. Let’s be honest, we all have crap days and years that don’t quite go how we imagined they would. And that’s ok. I don’t think I’ve met one person who didn’t struggle with some trauma, whether it be a broken relationship with a parent, a sexual assault, or an eating disorder. We all have our things.

When I first decided to see a therapist, I debated not sharing this with you. I didn’t want to admit that even I feel the need to see a therapist. Because I’m a self-help and wellness writer, I should be 100% ok, right? False. Even your super hot personal trainer eats cake sometimes. We’re all human here. 

But I’m sharing this because although this blog is all about self-help, health, and wellness, I’m not claiming to be PERFECT. I’m not claiming to have it all figured out. This is about my journey, my advice that I learn along the way, and above all – transparency. Sharing the not so gram-able moments about my life in hopes to help someone else. Because I know other young women just like me share the same challenges, and I want them to know that it’s ok to NOT be ok. 

Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

I really hope you enjoyed this week’s post and it helped you to reflect on your own experience. Lastly, I just want to say that if you’re having a similar experience as me, don’t be afraid to make the call. Those few minutes it takes to call someone are scarier than actually sitting down and talking things out. Trust me, you will be so happy and so proud of yourself that you took the first step. 

“At any given moment we have two choices: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” – Abraham Maslow

As always, let me know what you think in the comments! Have you recently taken the first step to see a therapist? Do you currently see a therapist? Looking back at the time of your life when you decided to seek help, what are some of your own takeaways? What advice would you give to others who are going through a hard time? Do you believe that “bad” things happen for a reason? Do you believe that we’re meant to learn something from moments like this? Even if you don’t AND even if you haven’t seen a therapist, let me know your thoughts in the comments! 

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that”+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

Photos by Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

I Interview Top Hair Stylist & Blogger Kourtnee Jinright (The Colour Chemist) – Hair Care, Managing Anxiety & Depression, and Following Your Passion

Beauty, Interviews, Self-Help

I’m super excited about this blog post today because I’m interviewing one of my absolute favorite people, and the HIGHLY talented hair stylist, Kourtnee Jinright.

If you know of Kourtnee already then you probably know her at “The Colour Chemist.” Three years ago I sat in her salon chair as she took me from my natural reddish-brown hair to full-blown platinum blonde. (I was going through something back then!) Since then, she’s grown so much both personally and professionally and it’s been so exciting to watch her journey!

Kourtnee is now the top stylist at a brand new salon in St. Augustine, Florida, ZA Salon, she’s a Kerastase Ambassador, and most importantly she makes a living following her passion. She’s built a following on social media channels by educating other women about hair, inspiring other women to chase their dreams and opening up about her struggle with anxiety and depression.

In a world of filters and pretend online relationships, Kourtnee is so authentic. She’s not afraid to be goofy, or vulnerable, or to share her experience. But what I love about Kourtnee more than anything is how supportive she is – how she fiercely encourages the women in her life as they try to follow their passion too. Not only is she someone I look up to, but she’s also a Lost Online reader and a friend. And when I asked her to do this interview she was over the moon!

Here are Kourtnee’s answers to my burning questions about everything from following your passion, to hair, to self-growth, and conscious technology use! I hope you enjoy!

Hair & Beauty

Q: I’ve been following you for many years now and I’ve also sat in your salon chair, so I know how you absolutely adore Kerastase and that you’re also an ambassador for Kerastase! What is it about the brand that you love? What makes you believe in the brand enough to use on your own hair and your clients?

A: I am so in love with Kerastase and its ability to transform the hair. Kerastase is known for taking your hair and giving you your goal hair. My hair was destroyed about 1 ½ years ago and I can’t even begin to tell you how much it changed my hair. It’s unbelievable. I ventured out and used other brands for 8 months on my clients’ hair and their hair drastically changed. When I told some of my clients that I was going back to Kerastase, they about died of happiness inside. It is worth every penny. I cannot sell you anything I don’t believe in, it’s not in my blood to do so.. I am an awful liar so if I’m in love with something, I really, truly mean it. I love the education Kerastase gives and how luxurious it is. It’s based in Paris, France. They are always changing the technology and revamping their brand to be the best of the best at ALL times. My goal is to teach with Kerastase. What a dream! 🙂

Q: Most women I know would kill to have long, thick, gorgeous hair – BUT most of us have also made the mistake of damaging it through improper hair care and dying. What’s your advice for people trying to grow hair out and improve the health of their hair?

A: The best advice I can give you is to be on a proper hair care regiment. I cannot stress enough how important this is for everyone. While a lot of products may feel great on the outside, it can actually cause buildup on the inside and you’ll remain stagnant. If you are trying to grow out your hair, I recommend the Kerastase’ Extensioniste line to improve the health and length. If you’re in need to seek more information, please DM me through Instagram at @thecolourchemist.

Q: How do you keep your hair healthy? Do you use any special products, supplements, or care practices? 

A: Keeping your hair healthy is the same as keeping your skin or body healthy. I have found that Kerastase products help almost every issue. Vitamins are always a go-to, however eating healthy/staying active ensures that your hair is growing at the appropriate rate. One thing I have clients say is, “I know I need a haircut, but I want it to grow longer so I’ll pass on it today.” Did you know by doing that your split ends will grow up the shaft and create more damage to your hair? In the long run, you’ll have to cut off more hair because of this. I understand no one WANTS to cut their hair when they’re growing it out, but trust me that this method WORKS.

Q: What do you suggest for split end remedies?

A: Split ends are a nightmare, right? We all have them after a while. I recommend getting a haircut every 4-8 weeks depending on the haircut you have now. If you put any heat on your hair, I would suggest on getting my favorite heat protection from Kerastase which is Serum Therapiste. This dual pump not only give you 450 degree heat protection, but also is a repair serum. It has plant stem cells to resurrect the hair back to its natural state over time. If you do not put heat on your hair, try using the Ciment Thermique from Kerastase. Say goodbye to spit ends with their number one product! 

Q: What hair trends do you think we’ll be seeing this coming season?

A: The shag is in as of right now, a lot of ‘lived in’ looks are coming back. People are wanting more of a natural look with low maintenance. Texture is another thing that everyone is searching for. Extensions are also HUGE right now. It’s a vibe, let me tell you. 😉

Following Your Passion

Q: I wanted to say congratulations on becoming the TOP STYLIST at Za Salon! I’ve seen you come so far over the last few years and grow so much in your career! I’ve been watching all of your videos about the salon opening and it’s been really cool to be able to see the process of setting up the space and promoting it. I can tell you’re incredibly passionate about it. I’m curious, what makes Za Salon special? What sets it apart from the experience you’d have at another salon?

A: Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words. 🙂 When you walk into Za Salon you will enter a luxurious space. You will be offered champagne, wine, french press Kookaburra coffee, tea, water, or beer. We go above and beyond to make sure that your experience is like nothing you’ve ever had. We also have snacks followed along with a cold hand towel with essential oils to cool you off with this Florida heat. While our associates are giving you a nice massage on your scalp, you will also be offered a complimentary hand massage. This salon has a lot of great energy and it is very calm. The owner of Za Salon is Patty Meradith and I can confidently say hands down say she has built the number 1 salon in St. Augustine. The opportunity that she gives us on education to expand our horizons is out of this world. I am so thankful that Patty offered me the position as well as giving me windows of growth. She is also a barber which is badass!

Q: Did you always know you wanted to be a hairstylist?

A: I NEVER thought in a million years that I would be a hairstylist. I got out of high school and knew that college wasn’t for me. I needed to do something that didn’t require too much schooling. My dad made the suggestion and I remember looking at him with an appalled look. My answer was, ‘I REFUSE to work at hair cuttery!’ My dad looked at me and chuckled. He was like, ‘Kourtnee, you can work in a salon…’ My dad raised me and I was LUCKY if I got conditioner. I would receive suave and get a haircut twice a year so I didn’t know what else was out there. I went to cosmetology school knowing that this is a smart backup plan if I didn’t love it. Turns out it’s my passion! I’m so grateful that my dad had said something to me when he did or I wouldn’t have found an interest in it. The universe works in mysterious ways. 

Q: Did you receive support from friends and family in the beginning? Or did you feel pressure to prove that you could be successful in a creative industry?

A: When I first started, I didn’t want to practice on any of my friends because I knew their cuts/color wouldn’t be perfect. I didn’t want to ruin my reputation. It took me an hour just to shave my father’s hair. I was so nervous and insecure at the time. St. Augustine is a small town and I was always worried/felt pressure that people would write bad reviews about me. However, I am human and still to this day I make mistakes. Every day is another day full of growth and opportunity. If you make a mistake, take that as a lesson and try harder next time. 

Q: What was the biggest challenge that you faced pursuing this career?

A: My biggest challenge in this career was figuring out where my route was. I knew with being a hairstylist, this would come with a lot of fear and growth. About a year ago, I was in a dark place. I was in a situation where I wasn’t being heard, and I was at a standstill with my growth. I was being held back while being taken advantage of. I made the decision to go from a salon that was commission to booth rental. Being in a salon, you’re an employee and the owner is in control of color, products, your schedule, pricing,  etc. Being in booth rental, you are your own boss. While this might seem super cool, this was actually TERRIFYING. I had NO idea what direction to go to but I had no other choice but to think quick, make moves, and do what was best for not only my clients, but for ME. I was my own boss for about 8 months and even though it was GREAT, I found that I lost motivation. I recommend that if you’re someone who needs accountability, then being in a salon is meant for you. If you are okay being solo, then booth rental is a great option. Either way there is no wrong route. It’s just finding what brings out the best in you. I am finally at a point in my career where I have all the growth that I could ask for. This challenge made me the stylist I am today. 

Photos by Autumn Dozier @autumn.dozier.

Q: What’s your advice for women/men who want to go into hair?

A: My advice going into hair school would be to go in with an open mind. Focus solely on JUST what you went to school for. Do not feed into the drama, do not take things personally, you WILL mess up but just focus. You can get so wrapped up in what others say and think of you and it’s NOT worth it. Have patience and know that you will learn everything you need to know when you are finished with cosmetology school. I had girls that were very rude to me and  I look back at it now and laugh. They aren’t even in the industry anymore. So just remember if something like that comes around, go back to the mindset of why you are there. 

Q: I saw that this past year you started a blog as well! What inspired you to start your blog and put your knowledge and experience about hair and fashion into writing?

A: I started a blog because I wanted to reach out to other people around the world than just St. Augustine. Once I feel myself getting bored, I’m onto another idea. This was so great, however I am at a pause with blogging at the moment because I’m transitioning into a new salon and moving forward with Kerastase. My girlfriend is an amazing writer and speaker. She motivated me to write out all the things that I am passionate about. She gave me great advice on how to move forward with it. She has always told me that I would reach so many other stylists/guests if I wrote it down and she was right. I am not the best writer, but every day I am trying my best for it to become a strength. I wanted the blog to not only be about hair, but to include fashion and lifestyle. 

Q: How do you stay inspired to create almost every single day? Creating every single day seems like it could get overwhelming from time to time. 

A: Being a hairdresser has its pros and cons for sure. I work four full days a week now because I found that if decompress in those three days, I can give my 100% to each and every client that comes through the door. It’s not easy when you have 4-12 clients a day coming in with different energy while still trying to maintain your own. I can for the most part leave work at work, but sometimes when your clients go through tough times you feel for them. Sometimes it comes home with you. I balance all of this out with self care. I go to therapy, I do yoga, I read, write, eat healthy, spend time alone, rest, spend time with loved ones, and meditate. This isn’t just a job where you do hair. This requires every ounce of energy that you have. Once your tank is on empty, you have to fill it back up with your self care. Some stylists can go and work 6 days a week and that’s great! For me, being an introvert/extrovert… I have to decompress a little more than others and that is OKAY! I’m perfectly okay knowing that my mental health is more important than the money. 

Q: One of the reasons why I absolutely love to follow you is because all of the hilarious memes you share about the perspective of hair stylists! It’s actually been very eye opening and showed me some of the dumb things that we say to stylists without even realizing it. If there’s anything that you wish you could tell your clients completely unfiltered, what would it be?

A: I love memes! Meme culture can reach all different age groups which I love! It’s a good way to have content and it’s totally relatable. I wanted to post memes on the regular because I feel that it’s not all serious. We want you to know that we understand your struggles too! There are a few things that us hairstylists wish we could say, but sometimes people might take it the wrong way. When we don’t talk, it’s not because we don’t want to… it’s because your head naturally moves a lot while talking. This makes it harder for us to foil/cut/ install extensions. 

Self-Growth

Q: As a fellow self-growth and self-improvement junkie (: what practices have you incorporated in your life that have helped you with personal development and accomplishing your goals?

A: I noticed that I cut out all the people who didn’t help me grow. It was a really tough thing to do and it may sound harsh but the people I cut out, didn’t do anything for me. They were in my way and taking time out of my life that I just didn’t want to entertain anymore. I had to overcome some fears. Another couple of things that I have done are waking up earlier in the morning to clean a little and get a fresh start to my day. I have weekly workout routines, I got a planner, I go outside my comfort zone, always challenging myself, I have been listening more, doing the hobbies that I love to do. I talk and write to myself A LOT.

Q: What got you interested in self-growth and self-improvement?

A: I knew that I couldn’t love someone else until I loved myself. That struck me instantly and made me change as an individual. I loved my partner so much that I had to let go and grow. So I started to incorporate yoga into my self growth. My yoga teacher told me to bring my hands into a lotus pose. She told me that lotus flowers start off in a dark place. They live in murky water but they eventually blossom from the muddy waters. Now, I am at a place that I can confidently say that I love myself. I feel like a lotus flower is a perfect example of self growth. Everyday we grow and improve. We are all evolving and changing and that’s the most beautiful thing. 

Q: Do you have any books, blogs, or podcasts that inspired change in your life?

A: I love the book, ‘The Secret’. This is also on Netflix and I highly suggest for everyone to read/watch it. It’s about the law of attraction. I watched it over and over again. I was so impressed by these professors and what they had to say. They really know the secret of life. 

Managing Anxiety & Depression

Q: I’ve noticed through following you for several years now that you’ve been very vocal on social media about your experience with anxiety and depression. What made you want to share your experience with your followers?

A: I didn’t want to be open about my anxiety/depression for a long time because I didn’t want people to ‘pity’ me. I decided to move forward and take this anxiety and turn it into a positive outlook. I understand the struggle of not wanting to get out bed, not knowing where to start, feeling like you can’t breathe or feeling alone. You’re not alone. That is why I wanted to reach out to people. I am not a therapist, but I am an individual telling you that you are capable of doing anything you want to do. Your anxiety will not take that away from you. You can change your life and it is NEVER too late. 

Q: What have you learned throughout your struggles with depression and anxiety that you wish you could tell your younger self?

A: I was medicated for a long time. I wish I could have told myself to try out yoga before I hit the age of 21. Life would have been maybe easier but then again, I can look back on everything and say that I made it through the worst and came out stronger. 

Q: I know that you’ve talked about this on your own platforms, but could you share for Lost Online readers how you’ve managed to treat your anxiety and depression? 

A: I actually wrote a blog post about this on thecolourchemist.com! The truth is, you can never get rid of anxiety completely, but what you can do is CONTROL it. Our minds really do play a huge role in this. For me, I noticed my anxiety wasn’t at its highest peak when I started to eat healthier. I started to juice, go to therapy, do yoga, focus on my breathing, read, journal, scrapbook, go to the beach, and cut out all the people who didn’t bring me joy. I do all the things that I love to do with a mix of being the best version of myself.

Q: You’ve spoken a lot about yoga and how it’s helped you with mental and physical health. What got you started practicing yoga and what benefits have you seen with regular practice?

A: I took about 8 classes and I found the ONE teacher whose energy stuck out to me. I feel so comfortable with her that I now take private lessons in my own home. She is always challenging me and pushes me to be better. Doing yoga has not only helped me release mentally, but also physically. With being a hairdresser, you stand on your feet in the same position for hours. I have noticed a difference in my concentration being sharper, creating calmness, and being more aware of my surroundings. Yoga has also helped my balance TREMENDOUSLY, helps you sleep deeper, it helps falls with elderly people, increases blood flow, helps posture, helps your hips to create better alignment, makes you a better person, etc. The list can go on about how amazing yoga is for you. 

Online 

Q: At the very end of my interviews, I like to touch a bit on technology and social media since it’s such a big part of our lives and something that the vast majority of us struggle with today. With our heavy social media and technology use today, have you ever felt pressure for likes, engagement, or recognition online? What has your experience been? 

A: In the beginning I was like, “Oh my god, I don’t have 10k. How will I ever have someone notice me?” All it takes is one post, one person to notice you. The rest is history. Have faith and speak everything into existence. You can have 200 followers and if you have a great engagement with those 200 followers, you’re doing it right. The amount of followers does not define you. However, I do put in some serious work with social media. If someone finds me one day, my page has to look clean, professional, and have character. I’m constantly trying new techniques with hair, posting new trends, taking pictures in different areas to switch it up the look, talking about product, taking videos and making them stand out. I’m always hashtagging each post and sometimes I will write about topics that people have questions about. When I am off the clock at work, I am working on social media. Social media is WORK but it is free advertising so use it wisely. 

Q: A major theme throughout my blog is how we stay sane during a time when we spend half of our time consumed with technology. What do you do to create balance in your life when we spend so much time online now?

A: Social media can take up a huge chunk of time in your everyday life. People see me on my phone and half the time I am working and not really socializing. I sometimes have to step back and give myself a break with this. It can consume your life really fast. I started to not use my phone the first 30 minutes when I wake up and the last 30 minutes before I go to bed. These times are when you are the most creative. It doesn’t always happen but I try my best to stick to this routine. 

Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

Photo Ray Reyes @rocketsciencephoto.

Do you see why I love Kourtnee now? I have to admit, this interview was more for me than it was for my readers. I wanted nothing more than to interview someone who inspired me each and every day.

I’ve loved being Kourtnee’s friend and follower because she’s such an inspiration and is always so positive despite anything that she may be going through. She opens up about the challenges in her life and always takes a positive and healthy approach, viewing every roadblock or rough period as an opportunity for growth. And above all, Kourtnee goes after what makes her passionate in life and continues to flourish as a hairstylist. 

I hope you enjoyed the interview as much as I did! Make sure to check out Kourtnee on her personal Instagram @kourtneemichelle or her professional Instagram account @thecolourchemist. You can also find her on her website thecolourchemist.com where she share’s blogs about hair care, lifestyle, and another passion of hers, fashion.

Lastly, if you’re in Saint Augustine, Florida area and would like Kourtnee to work her magic on your hair, make sure to give Za Salon at call and book your appointment!

As always remember to comment your thoughts below. I LOVE hearing what my readers think about the content. What stood out the most to you about the interview? Did you resonate with anything Kourtnee said? If you could ask her anything, what would you ask?

If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that”+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online!

Several of Kourtnee’s photos shown in this post were taken by Autumn Dozier @autumn.dozier. Hair photos are taken by Kourtnee herself. If I forgot to mention any other photographer, please contact me so I can give you credit!